I Have A Lot Of Patience, Y’know? I KNOW

People piss me off. I get pissed off. I refrain from yelling. Makes me want to cry instead. I should yell. I should scream. But I have patience. Y’know? I know.

People piss me off. My parent’s piss me off. My dad pisses me off. My sentences right now piss me off but I am too pissed off to care.

Where do I even begin? I heard it’s a middle-eastern man thing. Explanations for my dad. Hot-tempered, unreasonable, unrealistic, oozing pride, increasingly testing my patience and increasingly pissing me off.

Told me to call his pharmacy to order his medicine refills and then gets pissed off when I ask when he wants to go in to pick up his medicine. Because apparently it’s common sense for ME to know when HE wants to go in and pick up his medicine? I DON’T KNOW.

And it’s not just this, this is just the cherry on top of a big nasty milkshake that I am tired of that drove me to write this post. Just to get this mad negative energy out.

The milkshake consists of a lot of things. It consists of his stupid pride in not wanting to learn things he does not know how to do but relies on me for because he doesn’t want to ADMIT THAT HE DOES NOT KNOW. And then leaving threatening voicemail on my phone when I’m out because HE NEEDS ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM THAT HE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO DO. Like scanning a document to send to his lawyer. Seriously.

Patience patience patience tested and increasingly decreasing. Does that even make sense? Should I even reread this post to see if any of this makes sense? Nah. Because I don’t care. Because I’m mad. Well.. less now that I’ve written this and gotten it out.

But still.

Peace.

Counting minutes, counting days

There is approximately two weeks left until my spring semester of college starts. And I don’t say that with remorse.

All throughout fall semester, I chimed in with everyone else in counting down the days until winter break. But ever since it started, I haven’t been able to shake off this feeling of just nothingness– this lazy, unmotivated, directionless feeling. Most of my days are spent in bed, either refreshing social media in hopes of entertainment, mindlessly watching old t.v. shows, or reading books where the characters, unlike me, are being productive.

I can’t stand not being productive, it drives me crazy. Which is a good thing, because that crazy feeling pushes me to find something productive to do. Which is what I felt in the beginning of this break. But after a while, you just get tired and allow yourself to give in to the nothingness- allowing yourself to be in bed and do nothing because you can’t find something to do.

I mean really, this is ridiculous. I’m frustrated because I have nothing to study for? This is my free time. I should be hanging out with my friends, staying out, having a good time. I did hang out with my friends- once. It left me a bit drained. And now it seems my friends are busy hanging out with their other friends anyways. Plus, it so cold outside. So easy to just stay in and fuss over deciding to stay in.

I don’t know. Maybe the last week of my break will be fun, maybe something great will happen, at the time when I wish school wasn’t about to open, unlike the wish I’m wishing now.

Makes no sense, right? Yeah. I know.

A Continuation..

This is a continuation from the last post.

I didn’t say everything I wanted to say. The post was already so long and I felt overwhelmed and needed a break to collect my thoughts before continuing.

I wanted to share about another person that’s become to be very important in my life. That’s my best guy friend from high school. High school is a funny phase, sometimes it feels like your friends with everyone. And I guess you are but bonds are different and not all bonds last after you change schools. This wasn’t the case with my best friend.

My best friend is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. That seems like such a shallow and loose term- great. But it’s the word that comes to mind first. He’s a good guy at heart and he is one of my sources of strength, my mentor, my protector, and my support. While I tell other people, “it’s a long story”, he is the guy that I share that long story with, with paragraphs and paragraphs of texts. And he complains every time about the length but I know he doesn’t truly mind because he reads everything and gives everything he can to try and help me and guide me. He’s the one that knows in an instant when there’s something on my mind and the one that teases me and pushes me around but then puts me on the path I need to be. He’s one of the most complex people I’ve ever met and he analyzes out loud and ponders endless life questions. He’s the friend I could imagine standing by my side years and years later. He is the support behind my relationship and he never lets me allow my emotions or fear to get the best of me. He is everything you could ask for in a friend. He’s the friend that makes people turn to me and ask, “Where’d you manage to find a friend like that?” The friend that calls me at 3am in the morning when I’m crying to try and make me feel better with his horrible jokes. The friend that challenges me along with supporting me and pushes me to be a better person. The kind of friend I’ve spent all of my life looking for and he came to unexpected, a gift of fate. I’m truly blessed.

I’m truly blessed at this point of my life right now. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect but I’m happy with my life and I’m proud of where I am and thankful for the people around me. I have two guys in my life who are my world. I’ll work hard to keep them, but if I lose them, they’ll forever be in my hearts and I’ll forever cherish the memories. I’m at a great college and I’ve been blessed with full financial aid along with a scholarship from my high school. I’m even at a decent point regarding my relationship with my parents. I just don’t want all this gratefulness to go unacknowledged.

I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. I know it wasn’t your typical ranting post that you’d expect from me on this blog. But besides all my complaining and whining, I want people to know that there are times that I step back and think, “Wow, my life is pretty nice after all.”

But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have something to rant about again pretty soon, haha. Can’t say for sure whether I’ll need to vent about it or realize that it’ll only seem this bad until it gets much better.. but maybe I’ll have some material for you guys soon, who knows? We’ll see.

Thank you so much for reading my sappy sentimental thoughts, haha. Even if no one cares, this was more for me, something that I could record if I ever want to look back at a time when I liked how my life was.

Take care, readers.

Last Year As A Teen..?

Hi everyone.

I wasn’t sure what to title this post because I’m not entirely sure what this post will be about. I think it will be centered around my evaluation of my life since I’ve last written here. My last blog post was written over a year ago.. I can’t even begin to apologize because really, what can I say? It’s my responsibility to keep up this blog but sometimes life happens and the more time there’s been since my last post, the less motivated I feel to get up and write. There’s just so much to say, so much ups and downs and things I’ve accomplished in the last year.

The last time I posted, I had turned 17. Some of my posts around that time had been about a guy from work that I liked, a 19 year old guy that I was trying very hard to not catch feelings for. But as the cliché saying goes, the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, I could not ignore the spark between us. I am very blessed to say that we ended up together and we have completed a year and 5 months together. We shared our first kiss on July 18th, 2014 and a couple months later, he turned 20, and June of 2015, I turned 18 and a few months ago, he turned 21. So yeah, time has definitely flown by.

So about this guy.. where do I even start? He is definitely different and just so much more amazing than I thought he was when I first met him. He cares for me deeply and makes me truly feel beautiful. He means every word he says and he’s straight up and real and he’s relaxed and comforting and supportive. He listens and while I’m a complex algebra expression, he is my simplified answer. That is not to say he isn’t deep, he’s got a mind that’s intelligent and evaluates things and holds strong opinions that he’s not afraid to stand by. If I’m being shallow, he’s everything I wouldn’t imagine being with; he seems ghetto on the exterior, he’s a different nationality and culture from me, and he’s anti-religion and doesn’t even believe in marriage. But when I look at the person inside, he’s everything I couldn’t imagine being without. He may not believe in religion or marriage (because of the negotiating, and the paperwork defining love and all that) but he believes in us and that’s what’s so beautiful about him. He doesn’t believe in God but he’s supportive of my beliefs and I admire his courage to state he doesn’t believe in God and state his reasons why. I especially admire his ability to push past the facts that we are both from different cultures and types of families and although our parents disprove of us together, he is still able to imagine a future with me. He makes me believe in us and makes me stronger and he makes me more optimistic.

One day, my best friend asked me, “Why him? Why not any other guy? Any other guy could probably do the things he is doing to make you happy.” But I explained that it’s not just him, it’s the effect he has on me, the way he makes me feel, and the things he makes me want to do for him. I have posts here complaining about how society says that girl’s are supposed to learn how to cook for their husbands. But, my guy makes me want to learn how to cook for him. He makes me want to envision living with him, cooking for him, caring for him, and making him happy, thus making myself happy. He makes me want to do everything I can to prioritize him and be the best girl to him I can be. He makes me feel feelings that feel overwhelming, feelings that make me cry at night when I think about what could happen if I lose him. But so much of this experience has taught me that it’s no use worrying about the future, all I can do is work my hardest to create a good path from now and make the present the best time I can make it. I’m aware of the fact that the more I feel now, the more it will hurt if it’s over.. but I know that for the feelings I feel now, it’s all worth it. I want to let go and just love completely and without regret because even if it ends, I’ll have the memories to cherish and the only thing I’ll regret is not giving it my all when I could.

So that’s all for the update on my love life if anyone was interested. As for my friends, I’m at an interesting point in my life because after high school is when you realize who your true friends from high school really were. I just completed my first semester in college, and I am still close to my best guy friend who attends a different college from me and I see him at least once every week and talk all the time.

 

Oh How Cute, You Think You’re Funny

You know what types of people I find annoying? The ones that treat you like a toddler when in reality, you are only younger than them by a year or two.

There’s this one guy at work. Everyone think’s he’s cool and that he’s funny and all that and that’s fine. But I don’t care. Because he made a bad impression on me and his jokes towards me are really not amusing.

Maybe it’s stupid but one comment sometimes really gets to me. Like on my birthday, I saw him with a guy I liked and okay, I kind of interrupted them, coming into the middle of the conversation but I don’t think that’s a reason to be rude. The guy I liked tells him, “Hey, did you know it’s her birthday today?” So instead of saying “Happy Birthday” to me, he goes, “What’d you turn 12?” And worst of all, I didn’t hear him clearly so I asked him to repeat it. And the guy I liked repeated it. I didn’t even have a good comeback, I kind of just tilted my head and said, “I wouldn’t be able to work here then, would I?”

And after that he generally got more annoying with his jokes. Especially about my height.

“Bro, you’re so tall”. Ugh, height is kind of a touchy subject for me because I’ve always been told I’m short.

But I think the more he pushes my buttons, the more my bitchy side is going to rile up inside. Slowly, I’m going to have more and more attitude in store for him and then I’ll probably explode on him and I’ll just look bad.

Really though, he’s not even that funny, more like irritating.

Could I Have Found A Great Catch?

He’s sweet.

He’s sincere.

He hates liars.

He hates people who are fake, to the point where he prefers girl’s completely natural, no makeup, no touch-ups, all flaws included.

And he’s a poet.

Did I mention he’s into me? That’s the best part.

Wait no- the best part is probably the fact that he’s 19, but never been in a relationship, never got a first kiss, nothing. I’m not sure why but that is just a major turn-on. It’s because I know he hasn’t been around, he’s not jaded about romance, and everything he does or says just come out so.. sweet.

Oh and I think we’re kind of together. I don’t really know actually, and I’m not about to question things, I’m just going to let it flow.

He admitted he liked me, I admitted I liked him and he also admitted that he would kiss me except he’s nervous and he’s probably bad at it.

Eep. By the way, there’s no way he’s bad at it, it’s like impossible. Besides, I’ve only kissed one guy in my lifetime so I’m probably bad at it too.

But he’s so sweet.

And so thoughtful.

Just, such a nice person in general.

And sentimental too.

I think I found a gem.

I’m going to go now before I turn into jell-o.

 

My Future Husband Shall Starve To Death

So apparently according to my mom, a wife being able to cook is the sole foundation of a good marriage. Really, this isn’t the 80’s, and we’re not in South Asia.

Haha, I went to help her out in the kitchen today. And after a few minutes of her watching me hopelessly spending way too long cutting out awkward shaped pieces of onion (I mean really, they’re all going down the same way, whatever), she was like, “Just go do the dishes, I feel bad for your future husband.”

Really! Ha, my husband should be the one cooking for me. Okay.. not all the time, but like special occasions and such. And I’m 17! I’ll learn later! And why exactly are we discussing my ‘future husband’ now??

My mom amuses me sometimes.

Teenage Baby Boom

Is it just me or are teenage girl’s left and right getting knocked up?

Sorry for lack of better wording, but “pregnant” feels like a celebration. And putting “teenager’s” and “pregnant” together should in no way be a celebration.

Honestly, though, in the span of just today, I found out two cases.

And the thing is, they’re not even ashamed or being conservative about it. I’m not saying, it’s not great to reproduce and bring in a new life and all. But at this age? What about their future’s? What about everything they ever said they would do when they grow up?

True, it’s possible to do all those things still and it’s not the end of the world. But still.. throwing a baby into the mix complicates things.

And I know, I know, “it wasn’t like it was on purpose”, “mistake’s happen, you just gotta deal”, but there are so many ways to be more careful. Hell, most nurses give out condoms! Use them!

I don’t know, I guess my mentality is different because in my culture, you shouldn’t even be sleeping around until you’re married..

But really, teenager’s are getting pregnant and then declaring it on Facebook or gossiping about it in work like they’re talking about the weather.

Is it just normal now? Is that what our society has come to? To just have a kid when you’re barely an adult and hold onto to the off chance that everything will work out?

That’s crazy. Because in my world, if you find out you’re bringing in a new life before you’ve even let yourself get a chance at your own life, you have a lot of thinking to do.

And maybe do that before just tossing around the news to the whole world?

Really, I don’t mean to judge but.. this isn’t as casual as people are making it out to be..

Life Is Muy Bien

Guess who got an 84 on her Spanish regents?? This chica!

Haha, the graders must have been drunk when they graded it because I know my spanish is muy malo (very bad).

But who cares, that was the final thing I needed to graduate with an advanced regents diploma , so horrah.

The only bump in my road? Even though all my grades are amazing this year, my transcript is like ehh. Like simply mehh.

Why?

Because I thought fun was more important than academics during my freshmen year. And everyone always told me, “Have fun your freshmen year, it’s junior year that counts the most.”

Well I call bullshit on that.

Though yes, you should have fun your freshmen year, enjoy the start of high school and all that, don’t forget about your grades! Because you do need a good start.

And junior is most important, my butt! Junior year is important because that’s when you take your SAT’s.

But other than that, Junior year pretty much counts exactly the same as your Freshmen and Sophomore year because THEY ARE ALL AVERAGED UP.

So even though my junior year average rocks, my cumulative average is only mehh cuz my freshmen year average is blech and sophomore year’s is ehh.

Astonishing vocabulary, right? 😀

That 84 in spanish though, muy bien! (Very good)

Let’s Pretend I Didn’t Just Fart In A Silent Classroom

You know what sucks about getting sick? You sneeze a lot. And you know what sucks about sneezing? Sometimes, when you sneeze, a fart comes out. You know what sucks about fart-sneezes? You can’t feel the fart coming until it’s too late. And then you have to sit there and pretend it was just a sneeze and don’t one of those sneeze-farts.

So I was taking my U.S History regents yesterday in school. And I swear the room is dead quiet, because, well we were taking a test. And I can feel the sneeze coming. But I hate sneezing in a quiet room. I just feel like it makes unnecessary noise and brings unnecessary attention.

But I can’t avoid it. So I let it loose.

Right there in the middle of a dead silent classroom full of students taking an exam.

A loud sneeze and the unmistakable fart that comes along with it. Awesome.

Oh and then I sit there as a whole bunch of guys turn around, look at me and say, “Bless you”.

And I politely say “thank you”, because like them, I would rather only acknowledge the sneeze part of that sneeze fart.

But then again what are supposed to say to someone who accidentally sneeze farts? “Sorry you couldn’t contain your gas”?