Archive for April, 2013

The people I talk to at school, if you asked them, I guess they would say they know me. But here’s the thing: They don’t.

They may see me everyday and make small talk, but they don’t really know me at all. Even the friends that I play cards with during lunch everyday, they don’t know me. They know my name, that I’m relatively quiet, and that I’m nice. But I’m not really myself with them. I guess it comes naturally, I don’t even think about it, I just don’t think, “Let me let myself be free, be open, reveal how thoughts.” Just because usually, there are other things to distract people. Other people that are hogging the center of attention. And I don’t mind. I just stand back and reserve myself sometimes. Just let myself play the role as the extra. Until I have to step in and be either kind, or funny, whichever fits the situation best.

So what I’m trying to get at here, is, I’m not really me in real life, I’m me over the internet. I’m myself over the internet. The things I say here, the way I write on here, is how its playing in my mind. I don’t reveal this side of me to the people I am social with. They don’t even know I have a blog.

The blog thing isn’t really a huge secret, if I had to, I would tell, I’m not embarrassed of ashamed. It’s just, people are not used to the me I am on this blog. Over the internet, I hold the spotlight, I choose to let my personality shine through. In school, I only let parts shine through.

That given, in school I don’t have a lot of close friends. I have people that I talk to, hang out with, play cards with, who’s stories I listen to. But I don’t like to get too close and reveal too much about myself. Just because they might not care or they just might use it against me later.

So when my friends need to vent, they all come to me because I listen. When I need to vent, I go to maybe a selected few friends; but that number is decreasing and I don’t really know why. When I have things boiling and stirring inside of me, I don’t have a best friend to go to and pour everything out. Anyways, I don’t believe in best friends, not anymore. I have close friends, but even they are not there during the darkest of times.

So who shall I turn to when I need to unwind, release a good heartbreaking speech, have an ear to listen to me. I figured, I’ll use this blog for that too. Mostly I use this blog to complain, whine, obsess over how annoying people are. Cuz that stuff is funny, its interesting, and a lot of it, so very true.

That part is also a part people don’t see in me in real life, complaining and irritated over things. They see me as calm, just accepting everything. I keep that stuff buried inside for the internet.

But, I need this site as a vent place too. Somewhere where I can get all my mad feelings out, my irritated feelings, and my hurt feelings. I guess in a way, turning this into my diary, my replacement best friend.

Kind of pathetic if you think about it, but its my best option. I’m tired of people betraying me and people thinking they know me when they don’t. The internet is when only people that will care will read this. I’ll just write it up, leave it, and there won’t be the chance that I will waste someone’s time telling them my thoughts when they don’t care. If people are not interested, which I respect, they will simply stop reading within the beginning of the post and move on somewhere else.

I really don’t want people from school reading this blog. Only because they will be so surprised. They will think, “wow, you think all of this up?” “All this stuff is going on through your head?” And then one of two things will happen.

Either 1) They will find it pathetic, ridiculous, and just laugh it off. Maybe even thinking, “Can you believe this drama queen?”

Or 2) They will provide pity. And I can’t handle that, I don’t like pity. They will think, “Poor girl, I must go and comfort her now after never giving her much thought before only because she actually is hurt”. And that will just break me, I will only turn cold to that. I can’t deal with pity.

So yeah, that is all, thank you for your time. Not my usual I guess but thank you for reading. ❤

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You ever get those moments when you don’t even want to think rationally?

When you just want to vent things out and say things without worrying weather they will make sense or not?

I like to do that. Scratch that, I LOVE to do that.

So let’s begin.

Today I don’t really have a particular list of things in mind. During the school day, it seems as if I’m frustrated with everything and would probably write up good blog content. But then I come home, relax, let all my sense’s return and thought I don’t exactly forget what made me mad, I do forget my extremely annoyed or prissy moods. But anyways, I can vent anytime. And since I can’t think of anything else to write on here for now, I’ll give it a shot.

1. I don’t like pity. Like seriously. Do not pity me. I will not appreciate it. I will pity you that you actually believe pitying me will make me feel better.

2. Half naked girls posting pictures of themselves every single day with the caption, “I look crappy, but whatever”. Especially the ones with those duck faces, oh god. There is really no explanation for that.

3. People that are too loud for their own good. Ugh, those are annoying. Like seriously, shut up, no one is really listening to you anyways.

4. Jealousy. Hate it. Always have. Always will. Thing is, I do it too. That’s the worst part, because I can’t help it. I don’t care if I don’t even like the person, if they stop talking to me or left me for a another girl, I will get jealous.

5. Stress. Hate to stress. About life. About friends. Schoolwork. The future. And then, you know, stress doesn’t even help me out that much anyways.

6. My stupid GPA. The thing just doesn’t want to get higher does it? It always stays around the same. It’s not a particularly bad average but come on, I work harder, that thing is supposed to get higher, damn it.

7. The need to pee when you have piles of homework to do. Ugh, its just one extra hassle. You have math homework, reading assignments, essays, project,s lost your pencil, and now you gotta interrupt everything to go pee. Wonderful.

8. No, dropping out of school and hanging out at some deserted alley with a bunch of kids with a too old age and a too dumb brain and then bragging about it online is not impressive. Do what you want with your life, but there’s no need to advertise it to the rest of the world.

9. You know, I don’t even know how many categories this post belongs to. Like okay, it is about me, personally I guess, my opinions and statements. It’s also about our sad idea of  society. And it mentions people that irritate me. Stuff in school is involved. Ugh, categorizing. Now it’s about blogging too.

10. Hits and likes. Sometimes I get them so easily and I don’t even try hard on the post. And sometimes I click publish thinking “Oh yeah, my readers are going to love this”, and I get like maybe 2 likes. Cool. I don’t know, I don’t want to even write based on what people want to read. I want to write based on what I want to write.

They say some people know you better than you know yourself.

Now that’s cute and all, but wouldn’t you want to find something about yourself before someone else does?

Good or bad, I wouldn’t want a random person to figure something out about me that I didn’t know myself.

So I try to know myself. Learn stuff that I do, ways I act, how my own personality is basically. You might call it analyzing myself. So here’s what I know about me:

1. I notice a lot of things. Like little things, common things that other people don’t notice. I don’t mean I could be a detective or something, master of “spot the difference” (though I do kick-butt in those spot the difference pictures). But I mean noticing key elements in other people’s personalities. Things that people say or do to avoid a subject. What gets to them, what makes them flinch. I notice when someone doesn’t particularly like a person and is trying their best not to show it. I notice when someone has a crush on someone but is trying to deny it even to themselves that they do. I notice when people rearrange their personality to suit the people they are talking to. When people act a certain way to attract attention to themselves. Somehow, I turn everyday life into one of my AP English literature books and I analyze everything. It might be weird, but it comes in handy and it’s amusing at times.

2. I’m nice 90% of the time and that 10% that I get mean, it’s either by accident, I meant it as a joke, or my jokes went too far. And the thing about when I get mean is that I probably feel 10 times worse as the person I was mean to. I mean seriously, I already said it, and being me, I always apologize soon enough if I realize I did or said something wrong, and its not like I can take back the words that already came out of my mouth, but no, I still feel so bad. For the rest of that day, the moment would replay in my head and torment me until I just want to turn back the hands of the clock and fix my mistakes. Which is kind of aggravating, because I’m usually nice, and people should be allowed to make mistakes, and the people around me know I’m nice, when I’m mean they know I didn’t mean it so it’s probably okay but I still end up beating myself up over it.

3. I love to joke around. Which can be a problem, depending on how you look at it. With #2, me being nice, usually people know that I’m joking. But sometimes it can get annoying, too constant you know? I have to stop myself and hold myself back sometimes. But I love joking around with my friends. I love playing around, having a sense humor, I just love being funny. Otherwise, life gets boring. You have to be entertaining you know? Keep the crowd laughing, or rather, yourself laughing. So I throw around jokes and “diss” my friends every once in a while. I’m never blunt or mean, I say things in a clever way where you have to step back, think it over, before realizing I had just made fun of you, haha.

4. Anyone that hurts me emotionally never gets away with it. I will always find my revenge. And I can be so cruel when that happens, it scares me. I will send indirect messages, if you can tell what that means. Like I will say things purposely to make someone realize how they’ve hurt me. I will say such things that the guilt will drive into you and slap you in the face without me having to lay a hand on you. I’m just good at those things. And I know its more harsh because it’s not direct, and its not obvious, but it relates so closely to what’s really going on, that it is pretty clear what I am trying to say. I guess some people might call it cruel. But hey, don’t hurt me then. Don’t mess with me. Don’t have anything to be guilty about concerning me. Then it’ll be fine. But hurt me once, and I’ll torture you a few times with lines that mean more than what they say and you will feel it. I can promise you that.

So yeah, those are just a few key things I have realized about my personality.

Comment below and tell me what you think of me! 🙂

We all know a few.

“Preppy Perky Rah- Rah Girls.”

Sound’s catchy, doesn’t it? Let me define. A Perky Rah- Rah Girl would be best described as a high school teenage girl that is too hyper for their own good. They usually have a habit to exaggerate every happy emotion they have and they usually hop up and down while doing this.

The rah- rah part; well some of them are rich, switching to a new gucci purse every day or so, and coming from an expensive private school. But the wealthy part isn’t something required to be a preppy perky rah- rah girl.

The main point is that these girls are almost always happy.

Which is a good thing.

But sometimes they are just too.. energy filled.

Happy people make you happy- which is good.

But preppy perky rah- rah girls are too joyful to the extent that it gets a tad bit annoying.

Now I have a few friends like this.

Actually, no, I don’t make friends with these kind of girls, I just don’t click with those personalities and they don’t click with me. Who knows, maybe I’m just not hyper enough for them.

But, one of my friends made friends with a perky rah- rah girl. To this day, I wonder how in the world that happened since my friend would be best described as the opposite of hyper and happy. But apparently the perky girl pushed herself into the friendship.

So my friend introduced her to the group and now we’re all friends and everyone loves her because she’s just so damn hyper it can’t get boring.

I’m not completely complaining, if it’s not annoying, it is at least amusing. Also because my friend has gotten the idea into her head that she is not fun and needs to be, not as hyper, but a little more hyper as the perky rah- rah girl she is now friends with.

So now I’ve noticed that my friend is somewhat altering her personality to jump every now and then, let out a squeal when happy or scared, and giggle after every few sentences. I want to tell her that she was amazing just the way she was before but I know she will deny she is changing at all and get defensive.

And the perky girl, well I don’t know, she’s okay to talk to when we’re with girls only. But in our group of friends, we have a few guys and she likes to get super perky around guys because they find it really cute or whatever. I suspect she doesn’t realize she is doing it, maybe it’s just one of these things where you don’t realize what you’re doing.

But now when we hang out in a group and my friend is acting a little like the perky girl, I get almost anti- hyper. I just sort of stand back, watch and think, “Man, I could not act like that. And I wouldn’t want to.”

I mean, sure, they are fun and amusing and all. But I just couldn’t do it.

It’s just not me.  

Interesting title huh? There’s a total story behind it too (isn’t there always?”

So my parents signed me up for some sat prep in my school. Initially I wouldn’t have been a fan but during the teenage years with parents that think its their lives, not your’s, you don’t have much choices. Besides, I wasn’t too upset when I heard that my friend was enrolled in it too. Because you know, everything is better with friends around of course. I couldn’t possibly go to some boring prep class alone. (Well actually I could but it’s possible I may get ill from all the boredom).

Anyways, first day was on Tuesday, after school. And our tutor was young, maybe in his early twenties. Really smart and friendly. Hmm, it feels like I’m missing something.. oh that’s right, he was cute! And I’m not the only one who noticed. The other girls were clearly a lot more excited about the class after they took a look at the tutor. I was actually a bit more casual about it, considering my friend absolutely could not get over how “completely cute” he was.

But yeah, everyone knew from the start that he was cute. It wasn’t until half way through the class that we started to realize that maybe he might be homosexual.

Well, I don’t know about anybody else in the class, but I was thinking it the minute I saw him standing with a hand resting on his hip and looking at a math problem with his head tilted. It was more of a hint. And I told myself that I could not just judge a person like that the first time I meet them. But then as the class went on, the tutor seemed to reveal more hints of his homosexuality- not that I was paying extra attention or anything.

He would throw his hands up in the air and say, “Awesome,” whenever a student answered a question correctly. And he was energetic, and sympathetic to the kids who didn’t understand. A very nice tutor. He smiled almost all the time, even when he was trying to be strict and he was always encouraging. However, at the end of the class when all the students got together to talk, we all agreed that the signs were positive- he was gay.

Not that it changed anything- he’s an amazing tutor and a really nice person.

It just puts a tiny little dent into the fact that all the girls were hyped that they got the “super cute tutor”.

A long day of school and to top it off, it’s Monday. No air conditioning in my wonderful castle like school. Classes dragged by and I was exhausted by the time I made it home this afternoon.

In this state, all I wanted to do was strip off my clothes, get into my Pj’s and land face down into my pillow and spend  good couple of minutes like that.

But no. Because you see, if that were to happen, I wouldn’t have something to write about on here. Or maybe I would’ve just thought of something else. Who knows.

But anyways, here’s the issue: my mom approaches.

Mother dear, love her very much, she gave birth to me, the reason I breathe, the woman who fed me and changed my diapers yada yada yah I get it. But that’s not the point right now. The point is that she made it a point to criticize my clothes!

No, I don’t mean like those girls on drama shows that tell you “Ew, you’re wearing that? Soo last season!” No, I mean she was like, “Why are dressing in such tight clothes these days? Are turning into the slutty girls of this generation?”

>.< No. Just, no.

I was wearing skinny jeans! Not even skinny skinny jeans. Normal skinny jeans. Probably could even pass for straight legs. Is it my fault my thighs fill them up so much? (Okay yeah, maybe it is but that’s because I don’t watch what I eat and not because I’m slutty.)

It’s just- ugh. Tired. It’s Monday. Long stuffy day at school. Not in the mood to be called out by my mom. And hello, if a girl has curves, how the hell is she supposed to hide them? The logic of that is beyond me.

Well she left me alone after that. And I guess I got over it. I just changed and started on my homework, the whole thinking, “Maybe this could be what I’ll write about in my blog today.”

So yeah, there you go 🙂

She’s taller.

She’s a redhead.

She’s girly.

She does her makeup quite nicely.

She’s normal height.

She’s normal weight.

She has a great sense of style.

And you know, I don’t know her that well, but I can tell she is a nice person and all..

But a key thing she’ll never top me in: personality.

Yeah okay, call me cocky or whatever, but I think my personality is pretty damn great. Looks are ehh. How far can looks take you anyways? I mean, I don’t look bad or anything. I’m kinda short and chubby and I’ve been referred to as cute more than a few times in my lifetime.

But I don’t know about that. What I do know is that personality puts it over the top. A gorgeous girl with a bland personality is only fun to look at, not be with.

It’s very important to have a witty personality. A personality that keeps you laughing, thinking up clever jokes, and teasing each other. A personality that won’t leave you bored or be too nice to you. A personality that can diss you in such a way that you have to laugh because it wasn’t blunt it was disguised in a funny joke and you are encouraged to give one back, no hard feelings.

Yeah. That’s me. My kind of personality. I won’t be too nice to you. I won’t be too easy going. I spice it up. I keep it interesting. So forgive me if I’m sounding arrogant right now.

They do say, confidence is sexy. Don’t they? Well I don’t care what they say anyways. This is what I say: I am more interesting to be around with than her!

But whatever. Have fun with her beauty.

I could sit here and give you guys the whole background story to this. But like many of my other posts, I think you guys can figure it out. Typical high school drama that I somehow find myself tangled up in.

Moral of my post: Personality goes farther than a pretty face.

Am I boring you with these annoyed jealousy posts?

I’m not jealous though.

Not.

At.

All.

I just need to vent.