Warning: This May Be A Little Sad

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Blogging, Me, Myself, and I, School
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

The people I talk to at school, if you asked them, I guess they would say they know me. But here’s the thing: They don’t.

They may see me everyday and make small talk, but they don’t really know me at all. Even the friends that I play cards with during lunch everyday, they don’t know me. They know my name, that I’m relatively quiet, and that I’m nice. But I’m not really myself with them. I guess it comes naturally, I don’t even think about it, I just don’t think, “Let me let myself be free, be open, reveal how thoughts.” Just because usually, there are other things to distract people. Other people that are hogging the center of attention. And I don’t mind. I just stand back and reserve myself sometimes. Just let myself play the role as the extra. Until I have to step in and be either kind, or funny, whichever fits the situation best.

So what I’m trying to get at here, is, I’m not really me in real life, I’m me over the internet. I’m myself over the internet. The things I say here, the way I write on here, is how its playing in my mind. I don’t reveal this side of me to the people I am social with. They don’t even know I have a blog.

The blog thing isn’t really a huge secret, if I had to, I would tell, I’m not embarrassed of ashamed. It’s just, people are not used to the me I am on this blog. Over the internet, I hold the spotlight, I choose to let my personality shine through. In school, I only let parts shine through.

That given, in school I don’t have a lot of close friends. I have people that I talk to, hang out with, play cards with, who’s stories I listen to. But I don’t like to get too close and reveal too much about myself. Just because they might not care or they just might use it against me later.

So when my friends need to vent, they all come to me because I listen. When I need to vent, I go to maybe a selected few friends; but that number is decreasing and I don’t really know why. When I have things boiling and stirring inside of me, I don’t have a best friend to go to and pour everything out. Anyways, I don’t believe in best friends, not anymore. I have close friends, but even they are not there during the darkest of times.

So who shall I turn to when I need to unwind, release a good heartbreaking speech, have an ear to listen to me. I figured, I’ll use this blog for that too. Mostly I use this blog to complain, whine, obsess over how annoying people are. Cuz that stuff is funny, its interesting, and a lot of it, so very true.

That part is also a part people don’t see in me in real life, complaining and irritated over things. They see me as calm, just accepting everything. I keep that stuff buried inside for the internet.

But, I need this site as a vent place too. Somewhere where I can get all my mad feelings out, my irritated feelings, and my hurt feelings. I guess in a way, turning this into my diary, my replacement best friend.

Kind of pathetic if you think about it, but its my best option. I’m tired of people betraying me and people thinking they know me when they don’t. The internet is when only people that will care will read this. I’ll just write it up, leave it, and there won’t be the chance that I will waste someone’s time telling them my thoughts when they don’t care. If people are not interested, which I respect, they will simply stop reading within the beginning of the post and move on somewhere else.

I really don’t want people from school reading this blog. Only because they will be so surprised. They will think, “wow, you think all of this up?” “All this stuff is going on through your head?” And then one of two things will happen.

Either 1) They will find it pathetic, ridiculous, and just laugh it off. Maybe even thinking, “Can you believe this drama queen?”

Or 2) They will provide pity. And I can’t handle that, I don’t like pity. They will think, “Poor girl, I must go and comfort her now after never giving her much thought before only because she actually is hurt”. And that will just break me, I will only turn cold to that. I can’t deal with pity.

So yeah, that is all, thank you for your time. Not my usual I guess but thank you for reading. ❤

  1. I seriously love your blog! I relate to you so much!

  2. Blogging won’t make your “friends” any wiser. Get out there and kick some ass. 🙂

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