Escaping The “Loser” I Once Was

Posted: June 20, 2013 in Irritating People At School, Me, Myself, and I
Tags: , , , , ,

Still running away from my “loser” past..

Sorry, let me retrace. Back to the morning of this day, when I was feeling load-free:

 

Not sure if you guys have heard but I AM DONE FOR THE YEAR!! Yes, finally, (finally), all the test are over, all the finals, all the regents, and the year too, only three days left. And I didn’t have school today since the week off for regents is still going on. And for the first time in what feels like a long while, I don’t have any studying or anything to do at home. So this morning, I was feeling free, light, and a just a teensy bit bored.

So I decided to organize my room. Ha! Imagine how proud my mom was.

I fixed up my desk and I rearranged my locker and I swept out loads of dust and crumpled papers that I think at point I had actually meant to throw out.

Now everyone knows that when you organize your room, memories come back. No, not everybody? That’s okay, I’m telling you now.

For me, at least, when I’m organizing my room, memories flow back.

I was cleaning out this locker I have with my books, workbooks, textbooks, writing stuff, makeup, perfume, cards, jewelry, money, and just about anything else you can think of.

And me, being me, I have a pencil box that I kept since I was 10 that holds all sorts of things that I thought was important enough for me to hold onto so that someday in the future when I’m older (for example, now), I would look back and be like, “wow, now I remember what it was like back then.”

And me being me, I had to take a break from my cleaning to sit down with that box, go through what was in it and.. well, reminisce I guess.

There was a few CD’s from my chorus concert’s that I performed in while growing up, some stickers that I thought were too pretty to use, the medal I won in the fifth grade for math excellence, and one two dollar bill that I thought would end up to be very valuable one day.

But mostly there just cards. Cards, and letters, and notes. Stuff that my friend’s wrote me, friend’s whom I didn’t know were my friends until the end of the year when they cleared their reputation by writing a long sappy letter and signing it off as my ‘friend’.

These were mostly from middle school though, the memories I have from elementary school friends are mostly nice. I had a close knit group of best friends in grade school and we would write letters to each other with words like “we will be friends forever, but if we ever get separated, never forget me”. Words that made me smile and hope they were doing okay now that we’re much older.

The letters from my middle school.. let’s say ‘people’, however, make me less smiley. Those letters are touching, they remind me that I am nice, kind, and was always an “amazing person”. Yet they never liked me throughout the school year, and did not fail to make that obvious either. I will give them credit that some did admit it, writing at the bottom of the letter, “To be honest, you were always nice to me no matter what, I don’t know why, but I just didn’t like you.”

Now, that’s nice, letting me know I was always nice to them. But don’t they know that I knew that? I know I was nice to them, of course I was nice to them, because that’s the kind of person I was, nice because I was always hoping they would take it as a sign to let their weapons down and let me in.

But why would they not like me? You can’t just write “I Don’t have a reason but I didn’t like you,” that’s ridiculous.

And you know what annoys me the most? In the letter, they always over-compliment me. Saying I was always beautiful, so kind, so goddamn great. I was so great, that I was their backup friend. Someone to go to when they were lonely.

And if other people were around, they just didn’t like me.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it was because I was a loser. I don’t know the meaning of loser but now I think maybe it was because I just defined myself to be a loser and everyone went along with it. Maybe it was one person that had something truly against me and everyone just kind of followed along. Maybe, maybe, it was because I didn’t appear to respect myself to I never got it from anyone else.

Now it actually brings me a sense of calmness, knowing that it’s not like that anymore. Believe it or not, I actually stowed away those cards and letters right into that box and organized it along with my other stuff. So it will serve as a memory. Though it’s not the best memory, it will also help me reflect on how much things have changed.

And they have changed. Now I’m in high school. At first it felt like I was running from my loser self when I started high school. I was so desperate to get out of that zone. But I walked in with confidence- as fake as the hair of some of the lunch ladies in my school- and I did what they call, “fake it till you make it”.

I loose grip of my confidence at times, (okay, a lot, but I won’t let it show), but I will not go back to the person I was in middle school.

I let people walk all over me, believing that if I were nice until the very end, the would get a clue and actually think to be my friend. But news flash: it doesn’t exactly work that way. Scratch that, it doesn’t work that way- until the very end when they’re about to make their great escape (otherwise known as graduating and going to a school thankfully far away from mine) when they write up a teary sappy heart warming touching letter describing the amazing person you were that they took advantage of but never mind that because you should always “stay amazing” and “keep in touch”. Signed, by your ever so wonderful “friends”.

And that’s only to clear their guilt, perhaps. A way of apologizing, saying “Sorry for being so mean to you even though I don’t even have an explanation, not even now.” A way of clearing up their rep so they don’t have people hating them. A way of making “truce” before they move on with their lives. Total BS.

But I couldn’t care less now because I have moved on. Because now I grew up to be a teenager that doesn’t think of herself as a loser and doesn’t think anything in the world can make her a loser. This girl will not anyone sit there and define her and if they don’t want to be her friend, then so be it. It doesn’t mean now she will go against everyone that goes against her, but it means that she will respond with a smart, witty comeback and turn the other cheek because she is better than stopping down to their level.

Some days like today I wonder how I could ever let myself be looked down upon and I am determined not to let it happen again.

Today I tell myself that I might not be talking about “those fun middle school times with my best friends” but I should be grateful anyways because I learned from the worst times. And some day when I get to college, I will have “those fun high school times with my best friends” stories because now the people that I make real friends with have and will appreciate me for who I am.

So maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to organize my room today, my room does look quite neat.

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