I Don’t Do Best Friends. I Don’t Roll That Way.

Posted: September 6, 2013 in Me, Myself, and I, School
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Please Note: By the term “do” I mean “have”, not whatever dirty image you probably have in your mind right now.

It was just something I had figured sometime during Junior High.

I was tired of girls letting me down and turning away for the more popular girls.

Tired of friendship being only one-sided on my part. So I simply didn’t keep best friends. There was no one person that I spent my Saturday afternoons with painting toenails and gossiping about boys.

Because I could never trust them. If I opened up, they would just stab me in the back so I gave up.

I kept my friends at arms length from the starting of high school. Revealing enough to keep them at bay but letting them know that shockingly- yes, I can go to the bathroom without their company. And I was the only pea in my pod.

But you can’t float through life with having a few friends know you a slightly better than others.

That being said, I have a couple of close friends. Scratch that, not even a couple- just a few. Not people that I trust with all my heart exactly- just ones that I could vent to when necessary and ones I can share a laugh with now and then when I need to.

Maybe this is a twisted view and you can call me crazy- but I hate betrayal. No big devastating secret from the past that messed me up or anything- just what it is- betrayal isn’t fun for anyone.

But what sucks is not being able to hold onto those “close” friends. I feel like some of them slip away too. In the past few months, I’ve had one of my closest friends move away. I don’t think she realized how much I ended up depending on her to keep my day light and enjoyable.

And now, going back to school, I’m thinking about who I can laugh with, be myself with. The other close friends that I messaged mostly gave me back one word replies.

Which sucks, when knowing that just a couple months ago we were able to talk in full paragraphs when messaging.

It’s not that I’m pushing them away.

The people I can’t stand, I push away.

But the close friends, the ones I like, I try to get closer. I do. I try to make a friendship that I can depend on.

But before I can even fool myself with a “best friend” term, they move away.

All of a sudden, I have no clue how to be social.

How to make friends.

Because for a while now, I haven’t wanted to make friends with people.

But now I know, you can’t make it alone.

You need companion.

You need encouragement.

You need the power of friendship.

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