Archive for November, 2013

You ever have that friend who is all cool and funny and random when it’s just girls, and then when you add a few guy friends to the group, suddenly they get all fragile and flirty and downright annoying?

Yeah.

A lot of my girl friends are like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them and all. They’re my girls. When I’m upset, they talk to me, they listen to my bullshit, they got my back.

And when it’s just girls, they’re fun, they’re good friends.

But I just don’t understand why when our guy friends are around, they feel the need to act flirty.

It just irritates me.

And the funny thing is, I don’t even think they realize they are doing it.

It’s like a switch just goes off and they start giggling and acting cute and all.

And that’s when I don’t want to hang out with all of them.

I hang out with guy friends too.

I treat them like my buddies. I make fun of them, make jokes with them and I talk to them like I’m talking to my girlfriends.

And they wonder why I don’t like hanging out in big groups.

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Falling In Love With The Way He Loves Her

It’s the way he looks at her

With a twinkle in his eye and a smile as bright as the sun

It’s the fact that he has a fragile heart and childish glee

It makes me want to discover all that he could be

She smiles back but turns away

And I wonder, ‘why can’t that be me?’

And I bite my tongue and try to rewind those words

But suddenly things have changed

It’s bittersweet, really

It turns out that I’ve fallen for he, who’s fallen for her.

Maybe it’s just a good idea to walk around with a mop. That way every time I feel like crying for something so damn silly, I’ll be sure to be prepared.

For some reason, I have this fragile little heart.

Where the littlest things can mess up my whole day and it’s so obvious that even that quiet hobo that walks with his head down will ask you what’s wrong.

And then you feel silly admitting it because such a thing is not such a major thing that you look like your mother died or something.

It’s just, I put everyone’s feelings before mine and then I get crumpled so easily when I realize they don’t give the friendship the same value as I do.

I have been burned so many times, yet some how the same stupid crap happens to me: a person I put my faith and trust in just walks away like I was simply there to keep them company.

And everything one says I over think.

Even when a teacher congratulates me on something, if they say it in a surprised tone, I will think it’s because they didn’t have faith in me, they didn’t count on me doing so good.

And that will mess up my day.

And I really suck at hiding my emotions too.

Poker face? Couldn’t do it if you paid me.

If I’m sad, you can clearly see it on my face.

If I’m mad, you can feel the heat and tension come off of me.

If I’m tired, you can probably predict it simply from my eyes.

And if I’m happy, you’re in luck, cuz I’ll be bouncing on my toes and smiling for no damn reason.

I just wanna know: how do I control my facial expressions?

And how do I stop looking like I’m about to cry?

How do I stop my emotions from depending on other silly little things that if I just were to ignore, I would feel so much better.

Maybe this is something I definitely should not admit on here, but I’m starting to loose inspiration to keep up this blog.

I just don’t think about it much anymore, and there’s so much going on.

When there’s nothing going on, there’s nothing to write about.

But when there’s too much going on, I’m too busy to stop and write all about it.

The complications of it all is just mind blowing.

Sometimes I think that I would be motivated to write more if I knew more people were reading.

But that’s dumb. Because the way to get more people reading is to write more, obviously.

So what’s all this stuff going on that’s keeping me so busy, you ask?

Well there’s the Moot Court Competition for starters. I’m a part of my school law team and we have this competition coming up next week.

I will have to present my argument to a panel of judges who will question me and otherwise poke me and probe me until I break.

Should be lots of fun.

No, really, I am hoping it will fun. Interesting. A new experience.

What’s also next week, on the same day in fact, (but different times, otherwise I would be freaking out) is my school musical: The Ugly Duckling.

Thank the heavens that I didn’t get a major part because I haven’t had enough time to go to rehearsals due to the law competition practices.

I only play a hen anyways. So that’s also taking up my time.

Also, this year, I am taking the SAT. I need to get a good score because my parents will be so disappointed if I can’t get into a good college.

So I take prep classes and practices tests once a week for that.

So that’s a lot of pressure.

Add that to the balancing act of keeping my gpa up, avoiding school drama, and making sure I have enough sleep so I’m not cranky all day.

Oh yeah, and reminding myself that I have a blog that I should maybe write in every now and then.

Recently, a friend of mine sought me out and made the time to sit down with me because she had some thoughts she needed to get off her chest and thought I would be the best person to talk to.

This touched me deeply, especially because me and her aren’t even close friends.

And she was saying how she knew I would give her practical advice and most importantly: I would just listen.

This statement took me back. To about a month ago. The front steps of my house, with my childhood close friend, just talking, talking about what was bothering us, not necessarily asking for help or advice, just talking, talking about what needed to be talked about.

And at the end, she sighed and told me that it was such a relief to just be able to talk without being judged. How she likes that I simply listen and let her talk.

And that made me so happy.

But it occurred to me that I always encourage people to talk to me, I always listen.

But I never allow the reverse to happen.

Because time after time again, I have been burned and betrayed, judged, and left behind.

I just don’t trust myself to simply talk anymore.

Which sucks, because I have a lot to say. I just know that people won’t just listen. They’ll talk. They’ll judge. They’ll criticize.

So is it so terrible? That I’m like a hypocrite?

Letting people trust me with their feelings, but not trusting other people with mines?

I can’t risk it. I can’t spill. I can’t let my walls dissolve.

It’s just not safe in this world.