Archive for December, 2013

What is the purpose of friendship?

I recently lost a friend who I was very close to. I respected her, I looked up to her, and I just generally liked her as a person. 

But these days for whatever reason, she stopped talking to me.

She barely looks up when I say hello and the few times she does talk to me it is whenever she needs something.

For example, when she needs to talk to me to avoid talking to someone else, she will turn around and act like we’ve been buddies this whole time. 

Or when she needs to know the schedule for a class, she’ll turn around and ask like she hasn’t been ignoring me for days.

Needless to say, I don’t like that and I have decided that I’ve lost her. I can’t say we are still friends.

I was discussing this with another friend of mine, a guy.

He agrees that she uses me. But then he says, “Well, the real purpose of friendship is to use each other, is it not?”

See, I disagree with that.

Yes I see that when your friends with someone, you use them, whether its for company, for help, for helping you get through something, you use them, yes.

But there’s a difference, in SIMPLY going to someone to use them, and using them because they are THERE. 

In friendship, you don’t really use someone, because you don’t have to, they offer the help and you offer to do the same to them. 

Friendship is its own reward, you don’t use it to get something because that isn’t really friendship, right?

Friendship gives you someone just to enjoy life with, someone you don’t need to USE, because it’s not using them, it’s simply receiving what they offer because you both know that you would do the same for them.

Right?

 

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Yes, I realize just about EVERY other blogger is posting Merry Christmas, but you know what, just because I’m nice like that, I will go ahead and post one too.

Merry Christmas Guys.

Btw, can you believe 2013 is almost over? Cuz I can’t

It seems like just yesterday I was looking up at the sky on December 21, 2012 waiting for the world to end.

And then realizing, ‘Nope, the world’s going to continue and I’m going to have to go to school. Guess I should’ve done that math homework after all’.

And now, 2014 is starting.

Gotta admit, a lot can happen within a year.

I lost friends, made friends, and then managed to loose those too.

I took one step forward, two steps back, all around in circles and now I might just be back where I started.

January. Just around the corner.

Well anyways, I hope everybody is having a very merry Christmas and I know you all got fancy expensive presents and I hate you all for it.

My friends got the latest smart phones for Christmas and I could really cry for it.

I want a smart phone so bad.. but I will have to wait until next year.

Reasons, complicated, actually not complicated at all just ridiculous and retarded but that would have to be saved for another post.

So have fun with all of your new toys everyone, and don’t forget to eat a little extra in thanks to the holidays so you can start off the New Year with a resolution being a way to get rid of those new pounds again.

And fool me more times than that, well that’s just pathetic on my part.

People who use people.

Well doesn’t that just leave a bad taste in your mouth?

It leaves a bad taste in mouth, I’ll give you that.

I gotta be honest, I’m not a toy.

You need a toy to play with? Go play a doll or something for “Toys ‘R’ Us”.

You don’t toy with people. Especially your friends.

And you know what, I’ll leave it that.

Because I’m too pissed to explain right now.

But when your closest friends ignores and then only talks to you when it’s  useful for her, yeah, that kinda sucks.

And when you let it happen again?

You have no right to feel sorry for yourself like I am right now.

So yeah.

Who needs close friends when you’ve got a blog?

It’s all good.

Every time I like a guy, I am faced with a head vs. heart situation.

And you know, every time I start a school year, I promise myself that I won’t fall for another guy and it ends up happening? Damn.

So my current situation is that I can’t help but like this guy and it’s getting worse by the minute. All of a sudden, I’m formulating plans in my head so I can “accidentally” bump into him or at the very least, walk out of school with him and take the subway home together. And then when we’re in a group, I am calculating the possibility of the off chance that everybody else will have to go else where and me and him will be alone.

Which is dumb, because I don’t even wanna date the guy.

Why would I not want to date the guy I like you ask?

Well I could give you the perfectly reasonable long answer: I simply don’t have time for one, I should focus on school, my parents don’t allow me to date anyways so I would have to sneak around (never mind that I constantly do that anyways) etc.

And then there’s the cold, harsh, short, simple truth: I’m afraid of getting hurt. Not only that, I am afraid of messing things up. There’s just so many factors that come into play with a high school relationship. Everybody else, parents, school etc. And plus, they hardly ever last. Is it really worth giving up a valued friendship for a few months of cuddling and kisses?

My head is complicated, I know.

But besides that, why am I even thinking about this?

There is nothing to say that this guy might like me.

Even if feelings were to end up as mutual, I would chicken myself out and mess everything up anyways.

Why is this such a dilemma?

How do I deal with this?

How I focus my head to rule out everything that my heart says because when it comes down to it, my head has a brain, my heart doesn’t.

And the irony is

We could be in a room full of people

And be so alone

We could have pockets full of bills

Yet have nothing at all

We could all day 

And not say a word

We could be ‘friends’

But not friends at all. 

“This is the stop, let’s get off,”

“Alright, is everyone taking the subway?”

“No, some people are taking the next bus,”

 

I followed my friends and carefully stepped off the bus. Through the fog I could barely see which direction we were walking in and the crowds of people didn’t help. Why did we pick a rainy day to go bowling again? Oh yeah, it’s because it’s the last day before the break and we haven’t spent time as a group yet. I distantly hear my friends starting to say goodbye to each other and separating off. I lift my head and my eyes meet a pair of warm brown eyes. He makes his way through a few people to get to me and warps me up in a bear hug. I chuckle and bury my face in his chest. He pulls back soon, but keeps one arm around me and I keep one arm around his back.

 

“I have to take the bus,” He tells me as we both start walking.

“I know, I’m taking the subway,” I say.

 

“You know, you’re actually like my best friend,” He admits after a beat of silence. It was as if he just needed to let me know. I look him in surprise.

 

“Really?”

I ask him what happened to his old best friend, a girl who he had liked but hadn’t gotten liked back by. He hesitated, but replied,

 

“Oh. She’s part 2, I guess. She’s also my best friend,” I nod and we both slow down as the subway comes into sight. He reluctantly removes his arm from around me, forcing me to do the same. He turns to me slowly, as if we were saying farewell for a time longer than four days.

 

“Well, thanks for helping me and you know, being there for me,” He says with a shy, boyish smile. I peer at him through the misty rain. His eyes are squinting to see through the rain and little droplets of water rest on his carefully combed hair. I almost want to reach over and brush them away but I know that would be risking everything. Instead, I smile at him.

“You’re welcome.”

And right before he turns away, he hugs me again. I wrap my arms around his mid-section and wonder if there was any way I could freeze time and just stay there, in his warmth, under the misty rain. I understand that there wasn’t when I was no longer in his arms and he was no longer in my line of vision. I turn, looking for the subway in confusion. I feel my friend pull on my bag and lead me to the subway, which happened to be right behind me. Afterwards, my friend asked if I had a good time. I thought of his smiling face under the foggy mist and grinned.

“Yeah. It was a great day.”

You know that moment when you realize that you long to talk to that one person maybe too often then you should.

That when you walk into the room, your’s eyes immediately scan the area looking for him?

That when you love talking to him because you smile better and you laugh longer.

That after two years of seeing him as a buddy, he suddenly seems to have grown up this year, more leaner muscles, and way more mature and good looking.

That moment when it hits you that you no longer see him as a buddy anymore.

That’s the moment when I say, “Crap.”

Because you see, that’s the moment when I know I’m screwed.

Because I hate it when I like a guy. And especially my friend. Someone I see everyday and admire.

I can’t cope with it. Because I am not going to “go for it”.

I won’t consider him liking me and us having a relationship.

I won’t. Because its too complicated.

And high school relationships never last.

And besides that, he really liked one my closest friends. And he’s still getting over her.

And I love him too much as a friend to risk that anyways.

So I can’t like him.

Yet, I do.

What I like about him? Jeez, there are so many things..

If you read the poem I posted on the last post, I mainly fell in love with the way he fell for my friend. The way he tried not to like her, but couldn’t help it, the longing look on his face when he looked at her.

I would love for him to look at me like that.

But I can’t wish for that.

It’s too risky.

He is really something though.

Sensitive. Funny. Playful. Childish. Understanding. And so vulnerable at times, it makes my heart ache.

It makes me want to hug him hard and protect him and ask him to do the same for me.

But that’s just my fantasy dreams talking.

I just have to be his friend. And he said I’m one of his closest friends.

So that has to be something.

So let’s just ignore the fact that I maybe possibly probably like him.

Because that doesn’t matter.

If only I could stop thinking about him.