Archive for the ‘Me, Myself, and I’ Category

A Continuation..

Posted: December 22, 2015 in Life, Love, Me, Myself, and I

This is a continuation from the last post.

I didn’t say everything I wanted to say. The post was already so long and I felt overwhelmed and needed a break to collect my thoughts before continuing.

I wanted to share about another person that’s become to be very important in my life. That’s my best guy friend from high school. High school is a funny phase, sometimes it feels like your friends with everyone. And I guess you are but bonds are different and not all bonds last after you change schools. This wasn’t the case with my best friend.

My best friend is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. That seems like such a shallow and loose term- great. But it’s the word that comes to mind first. He’s a good guy at heart and he is one of my sources of strength, my mentor, my protector, and my support. While I tell other people, “it’s a long story”, he is the guy that I share that long story with, with paragraphs and paragraphs of texts. And he complains every time about the length but I know he doesn’t truly mind because he reads everything and gives everything he can to try and help me and guide me. He’s the one that knows in an instant when there’s something on my mind and the one that teases me and pushes me around but then puts me on the path I need to be. He’s one of the most complex people I’ve ever met and he analyzes out loud and ponders endless life questions. He’s the friend I could imagine standing by my side years and years later. He is the support behind my relationship and he never lets me allow my emotions or fear to get the best of me. He is everything you could ask for in a friend. He’s the friend that makes people turn to me and ask, “Where’d you manage to find a friend like that?” The friend that calls me at 3am in the morning when I’m crying to try and make me feel better with his horrible jokes. The friend that challenges me along with supporting me and pushes me to be a better person. The kind of friend I’ve spent all of my life looking for and he came to unexpected, a gift of fate. I’m truly blessed.

I’m truly blessed at this point of my life right now. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect but I’m happy with my life and I’m proud of where I am and thankful for the people around me. I have two guys in my life who are my world. I’ll work hard to keep them, but if I lose them, they’ll forever be in my hearts and I’ll forever cherish the memories. I’m at a great college and I’ve been blessed with full financial aid along with a scholarship from my high school. I’m even at a decent point regarding my relationship with my parents. I just don’t want all this gratefulness to go unacknowledged.

I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. I know it wasn’t your typical ranting post that you’d expect from me on this blog. But besides all my complaining and whining, I want people to know that there are times that I step back and think, “Wow, my life is pretty nice after all.”

But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have something to rant about again pretty soon, haha. Can’t say for sure whether I’ll need to vent about it or realize that it’ll only seem this bad until it gets much better.. but maybe I’ll have some material for you guys soon, who knows? We’ll see.

Thank you so much for reading my sappy sentimental thoughts, haha. Even if no one cares, this was more for me, something that I could record if I ever want to look back at a time when I liked how my life was.

Take care, readers.


Hi everyone.

I wasn’t sure what to title this post because I’m not entirely sure what this post will be about. I think it will be centered around my evaluation of my life since I’ve last written here. My last blog post was written over a year ago.. I can’t even begin to apologize because really, what can I say? It’s my responsibility to keep up this blog but sometimes life happens and the more time there’s been since my last post, the less motivated I feel to get up and write. There’s just so much to say, so much ups and downs and things I’ve accomplished in the last year.

The last time I posted, I had turned 17. Some of my posts around that time had been about a guy from work that I liked, a 19 year old guy that I was trying very hard to not catch feelings for. But as the cliché saying goes, the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, I could not ignore the spark between us. I am very blessed to say that we ended up together and we have completed a year and 5 months together. We shared our first kiss on July 18th, 2014 and a couple months later, he turned 20, and June of 2015, I turned 18 and a few months ago, he turned 21. So yeah, time has definitely flown by.

So about this guy.. where do I even start? He is definitely different and just so much more amazing than I thought he was when I first met him. He cares for me deeply and makes me truly feel beautiful. He means every word he says and he’s straight up and real and he’s relaxed and comforting and supportive. He listens and while I’m a complex algebra expression, he is my simplified answer. That is not to say he isn’t deep, he’s got a mind that’s intelligent and evaluates things and holds strong opinions that he’s not afraid to stand by. If I’m being shallow, he’s everything I wouldn’t imagine being with; he seems ghetto on the exterior, he’s a different nationality and culture from me, and he’s anti-religion and doesn’t even believe in marriage. But when I look at the person inside, he’s everything I couldn’t imagine being without. He may not believe in religion or marriage (because of the negotiating, and the paperwork defining love and all that) but he believes in us and that’s what’s so beautiful about him. He doesn’t believe in God but he’s supportive of my beliefs and I admire his courage to state he doesn’t believe in God and state his reasons why. I especially admire his ability to push past the facts that we are both from different cultures and types of families and although our parents disprove of us together, he is still able to imagine a future with me. He makes me believe in us and makes me stronger and he makes me more optimistic.

One day, my best friend asked me, “Why him? Why not any other guy? Any other guy could probably do the things he is doing to make you happy.” But I explained that it’s not just him, it’s the effect he has on me, the way he makes me feel, and the things he makes me want to do for him. I have posts here complaining about how society says that girl’s are supposed to learn how to cook for their husbands. But, my guy makes me want to learn how to cook for him. He makes me want to envision living with him, cooking for him, caring for him, and making him happy, thus making myself happy. He makes me want to do everything I can to prioritize him and be the best girl to him I can be. He makes me feel feelings that feel overwhelming, feelings that make me cry at night when I think about what could happen if I lose him. But so much of this experience has taught me that it’s no use worrying about the future, all I can do is work my hardest to create a good path from now and make the present the best time I can make it. I’m aware of the fact that the more I feel now, the more it will hurt if it’s over.. but I know that for the feelings I feel now, it’s all worth it. I want to let go and just love completely and without regret because even if it ends, I’ll have the memories to cherish and the only thing I’ll regret is not giving it my all when I could.

So that’s all for the update on my love life if anyone was interested. As for my friends, I’m at an interesting point in my life because after high school is when you realize who your true friends from high school really were. I just completed my first semester in college, and I am still close to my best guy friend who attends a different college from me and I see him at least once every week and talk all the time.


I swear, this is the fifth time I’m rewriting this post with a completely different topic. The thing is, there is so much I could write about. But I don’t want to bore my readers. I mean, sometimes I just want to empty my mind.

But do you guys really give a damn about what’s going on in my life.

I have little little ideas but actually taking one and expanding into a legit post is like, mad work. Which is my catch phrase, by the way. Pretty dumb, I know but it’s just so catchy. To me, anyways.

In a summary, here’s what’s going on:

~ Elections for senior senator was yesterday. I find out the results on Monday. I have no idea if I won or not because the election was pretty close. Oh and there was a tiny fiasco where I thought the voting was going unfairly and I said something upsetting to a candidate and she went running to the advisor who then proceeded to pull me aside and lecture me about “getting along”. Whatever, pretty messed up but it was a misunderstanding and I apologized like the bigger person I am. And I cried out all my tears during AP Biology where the lights were low and we watched a sad movie anyways. So I’m over that.

~ Had work for about 3 and a half hours today. Which is extremely short but whatever, I complain if I have to stay for too long also.

~ What sucks about having work for such a short amount of time though is the fact that I couldn’t see HIM. Yes, of course there’s a HIM at work. No, I do not like him because he is three years older than me and I totally do not need that drama right now. But regardless, I kinda do like HIM but I’m really really trying not to. If you haven’t noticed.

~ I was forced to call out of work tomorrow because I got a 2 to 7 shift and my dad hosted a barbecue party at my house and doesn’t want me out of the house when our family friends are here. There was a bit of a fiasco there also because when I called my manager she was annoyed because I also asked to come in after 2 next Saturday. But she did call up another coworker and got me the day off. So now I can stay home tomorrow and enjoy a barbecue party with a house full of ‘family friends’. Fun.

~ That also means I won’t see HIM tomorrow. Which means it will be the whole weekend that I won’t see him and the next time I see him it will have been two weeks. Damn.. probably for the best. Considering the fact that I’m trying to stay just friends with him and all.. But still.. Ugh.. fighting it..

~ Now I’m home on a Saturday night. No work and no life either. And my sister is at tutoring.So no one to bother or get into pointless arguments with. I don’t think I’m allowed to be a teenager and have no plans on a Saturday night.. But then again, with my parents, I can go just about NOWHERE.

~ I don’t know how to make my blog more popular and I’m still trying to decide whether I really care about that or not.

Third wheels are oh so essential in life. You know why? Because every single tricycle would be an ultimate disaster without a third wheel. And we wouldn’t want that, would we? Cuz then toddlers would have to jump straight to the two wheeled bike and possible crack their head open. No, third wheels are necessary because it keeps everything balanced.

Just like it keeps my social status in high school balanced.

I’m sure everybody’s been in this situation before, the awkward third wheel situation.

Maybe it was when you want out with your best friend and her boyfriend but they spent the whole time wrapped up in each other while you counted the clouds.

Or maybe you were hanging out with your boyfriend and his friends but they spent the whole time talking about football while you picked out your split ends.

But see, most likely, your best friend and your boyfriend didn’t mean to make the situation so awkward. Yes they probably should have done more to include you in the conversations but maybe they didn’t know how. Or, they were just so wrapped up in things that they didn’t realize what they were doing.

But really, the at least wanted you there so you know they were trying to keep you around.

But when two people who are supposed to be your friends talk in a different language with you RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM, … well, that kinda sucks.

I mean, it’s not even the both of them. It’s just one person who always directs the conversation to the other person, as long as it’s not me.

All three of us would be having a conversation and the person- my friend- would ask my other friend something in their language and off they would go.

I don’t know their language. It’s not like there is someone else if it’s just the three of us.

And it’s not like they don’t realize what they’re doing. I have jokingly pointed it out once, “Hey guys, thanks for including me in the conversation.”

And nothing. It still happens.

But oh wells. Third wheels are necessary for balance.

You know, otherwise, tricycles would a disaster and all..

I think I need new friends though.

People have this vague dream that everyone will keep in touch after high school. That after graduating college everyone will have a reunion and talk about the good old days and stay friends forever.

Well I call bullshit on that.

And you know, the people who talk shit about keeping in touch are actually the ones to disappear as soon as they break loose.

Really, people can barely keep in touch after junior high school and we all go to high schools around the local area. We all have each other’s numbers, emails, and we’re all friends on facebook. Yet, other then a few “likes” here and there, there isn’t any communication at all. And when mircle strikes and someone decides to step up and respark old connections, the conversation goes like this:

“Hey, how’ve you been?”

“Hey, pretty good, and you?”

“Same. How’s everything?”

“Oh you know. Busy. You?”

“Same. Busy.”

“Nice catching up with you.”

How touching. Well, if that doesn’t declare friendship forever, I don’t know what does.

But either way, I don’t even care anymore. Because it might be a pessimistic approach, but it’s a realistic approach.

I don’t expect my closest friends to hold on to me after we’ve parted. I mean, sure, it’s nice to drop a message every now and then to reminisce about memories that are clearly over. But to attempt to drag out something that simply has moved on beneath our feet? That’s just setting yourself up for disappointment.

So I’m straight up right now. I’m not even up to my senior year yet, but honestly, I love all my friends dearly and the memories I’ve created in high school will forever be in my heart, … but I’m going to let go of high school and everyone in it once it’s over. That’s just how it’s meant to be.

This post is about my parents. So I’m warning you now. If you’ll criticize me for thinking this way, you can go elsewhere.

The thing is, I feel like I’m stuck. With them. Except not so literally. I’m stuck in the way I am with them and they way they are with me. I’m stuck in the life of a 12 year old basically. And I can’t get past this. Because at first, it was my parents punishing me. Then it was me punishing me because I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect. Now it’s just the norm.

I can’t get past that. I have little to no freedom. As far as they know, I don’t talk to a single guy. I don’t hang out with friends. I have no life. I don’t even have a smart phone.

And here’s the point where you can criticize me. Tell me that I’m a brat. Wanting material things when other people have it worse. Yes, I get it, I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, I should so grateful. And I am grateful for that bit. But it’s not just that.

I don’t have trust. They don’t trust me. And I never asked for that trust. Because in reality, no kid really deserves trust. Every kid lies, every kid doesn’t tell the complete truth, don’t try to tell me otherwise. No kid is perfect. But without trust, there can be no relationship. At all.

Because I knew I could never count on myself to tell them the complete truth, 100%, all the time, I never thought I deserved the trust at all. And they accepted that. But I can’t live like this anymore. I’m getting older. Yet I’m living the same shitty old reality day by day.

If life was a movie, the main character would go to her parents, and they’d sit down in the comfy old living room together, and they’d have this big ole talk about each other’s feeling’s, and both sides would understand, and they’d compromise, it would end with a big ole hug and everything would be okay.

But life is not like that. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and count the days.

Well. It’s the last day of the year.

So, I guess I’ll go ahead and make that post of everything I’ve accomplished this year along with everybody else.

If I go back, to exactly a year ago, when I was looking forward to 2013, it honestly feels like it was just a few days ago. In fact, I remember posting a status saying, “It’s that time of year again, when everyone accidentally writes 2012 in their dates because they’re not used to writing 2013”.

I have to say though, for me, 2013 was a year full of first experiences.

For instance, my 2013 year had a kick start: I got my first kiss.

If that’s not considered memorable, I don’t know what is.

In addition to that, through out 2013, I managed to get close to people I never thought I’d get close to. Become friends with people I had never said more than two syllables to.

Of course there were plenty of downfalls. I managed to loose touch with some of my close friends, let distance come between me and the people I once told everything too, and I even managed to get rejected by a guy, utterly making a fool of myself.

But I’m proud of myself, because I think I really got out of my shell this year.

I managed to be my own person, do what I really want, and try things with an open mind. Like doing hookah with my friends on one of their birthdays. Okay, so that’s not a big accomplishment. And that’s not something to be proud of. But hey, I tried it, it was a one time thing, and now I know.

I also tried new activities like the doing the school play, joining a tennis camp over the summer, attempting to keep up a diet and fitness routine (they never really work out now, do they?), and much more.

And let’s not forget that it was 2013 that I opened up this blog and discovered the idea that I could open up to people on the internet and be myself without being insecure. Blogging is an amazing experience and I am so thankful that my teacher opened me up to it.

So cheers to 2013, you’d made me laugh, you’ve made me cry, you’ve made me smile, but it’s time to say goodbye.

Now I’m ready for 2014, a new book with 365 pages left to fill with memories.

I just hope that 2014 is ready for me 😉