Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Let’s be real guys. Ever heard that phrase before.

It’s the phrase that just about every mother uses in just about every single argument. And I’m really sick of it. How can you use something that happened before I even existed against me? That’s just not fair.

So I have a part time job now. And I only make 8 bucks an hour and I only work weekends. I don’t use money as much but that still isn’t exactly a lot. But it’s something.

When I first started working, I loved the idea of having my own income. My first paycheck- I used it for a family meal.

I even considered bringing dinner home once and I was considering using it to help with little things like grocery and such. But that changed pretty quick.

Wanna know why? Because all of a sudden my mother started hinting about all the things I would be able to buy for her now that I make money.

And I don’t mean casual little things.

She’ll sit on the sofa and go, “Soon, my daughter will be able to buy new expensive sofa’s for the family.”

And you know, I would if I could. But it really doesn’t make me feel better if she just sits there and asks for it.

Mother’s Day is next Sunday. And you know, I always get her something for Mother’s Day. Before, it was small, cheap things. But now that I have money, this year I was already planning to get something nice.

But for the past month or so, ¬†she’s been saying stuff like, “Who know’s what your going to get for me this Mother’s Day.”

And you know, the way we work is that we joke around a lot. She said that jokingly, so I jokingly said, “I don’t even know when Mother’s Day is so you should remind me on the day so I can pluck a flower out of our garden to give you.”

She laughed it off and it’s really always like that. Lately, the way she just expects me to get her stuff is getting annoying though.

Even my little brother came to me asking for 20 dollars yesterday. He’s 9! What does he need it for?

So today me and my mother went out to cash in my latest check and my dad called.

I jokingly told him that this time I was going to split the cash in half and give half to him and the other half to my sister because they were the only ones in the family that didn’t ask me for money now that I have a job.

He laughed it off and said, “That’s not necessary, it’s okay.”

My mom took everything serious all of a sudden; asking if she’s ever used any of my money and such.

I said, no, but you sure ask for it (again, jokingly).

But walking back home, she wouldn’t even look at me. Saying stuff like, “I carried you around for nine months. Only to see you grow up and insult me.”

Okay, so I made a statement and I hurt her feelings. But I told her I didn’t mean to, it was a joke.

And now she’s still acting like such a drama queen, ignoring me and shit.

I don’t what to do and I feel like shit. The funny thing is I don’t even think she considers her kids feelings when she talks, but if we make a tiny statement that gets her upset she acts like we’ve been horrible to her.

Advertisements

We all just need to express our feelings right? Just rant, explode, or even just curse a few people out to get things off our chests. Sometimes we want to talk about it with people. Sometimes.. we don’t.

If you don’t want to talk about it, why would you reach out to people then?

It’s like crying for help when you’re dangling off a cliff and then ignoring the hand that’s stretched towards you. Or the simplified version: simply screaming for attention but not doing anything with it.

People post status’s on Facebook- they use Facebook as their diary, venting their feelings, except they don’t really explain shit! And yeah, I get that Facebook is kinda public and you don’t wanna explain your personal issues on it, but why would you mention it in the first place? To just get it off your chest? Go find a person to tell your shit to, or better yet, buy a diary.

It’s just really annoying when you see a status like,

“FML”,

or,

“I just can’t take it anymore.. -feeling shitty”

And then when you comment, asking whats wrong (just trynna be a decent friend here) they just like your comment and ignore it.

I mean fine, don’t comment back. But you could hit me up, talk to me in person, say something.

Other people comment too, responding to her cry for help. But she simply turns away. If you can’t talk about it, why just concern everybody.

So everyone can sit there and wonder about you without being able to help?

How twisted is that?

disdain

If you’re gunna vent on facebook but not explain or talk to anybody just to buy a diary. They won’t ask questions, trust me. And if they do..

I suggest you go see a doctor about that.

 

Maybe it’s just a good idea to walk around with a mop. That way every time I feel like crying for something so damn silly, I’ll be sure to be prepared.

For some reason, I have this fragile little heart.

Where the littlest things can mess up my whole day and it’s so obvious that even that quiet hobo that walks with his head down will ask you what’s wrong.

And then you feel silly admitting it because such a thing is not such a major thing that you look like your mother died or something.

It’s just, I put everyone’s feelings before mine and then I get crumpled so easily when I realize they don’t give the friendship the same value as I do.

I have been burned so many times, yet some how the same stupid crap happens to me: a person I put my faith and trust in just walks away like I was simply there to keep them company.

And everything one says I over think.

Even when a teacher congratulates me on something, if they say it in a surprised tone, I will think it’s because they didn’t have faith in me, they didn’t count on me doing so good.

And that will mess up my day.

And I really suck at hiding my emotions too.

Poker face? Couldn’t do it if you paid me.

If I’m sad, you can clearly see it on my face.

If I’m mad, you can feel the heat and tension come off of me.

If I’m tired, you can probably predict it simply from my eyes.

And if I’m happy, you’re in luck, cuz I’ll be bouncing on my toes and smiling for no damn reason.

I just wanna know: how do I control my facial expressions?

And how do I stop looking like I’m about to cry?

How do I stop my emotions from depending on other silly little things that if I just were to ignore, I would feel so much better.