Posts Tagged ‘head’

Sometimes I feel like I’m in an inner war with myself.

Like I know right from wrong but I do wrong and it starts bugging me and I don’t know what to do to make it right.

I’m a bad person. Okay, so I’m probably not. Maybe not completely. But sometimes I get mean. And I give attitude for no reason. But then, I feel like complete shit afterwards. Like, for days, I’ll feel like complete shit. It bugs me. It gets to me. It gets to me so much that I can’t even study for my midterm which is what I’m supposed to be doing now.

I’ve been giving attitude lately to one of my friends. And I don’t think he really did anything. Not really. It’s just- I feel dumb around him. He has a way of making me feel completely foolish. He doesn’t really brag about his grades- in fact, he doesn’t brag at all.

It’s the fact that when you ask him, he says his grades so nonchalantly, and he admits he doesn’t study at all, he doesn’t really try, and you have to wonder how the hell you can study your ass of to get an average grade and watch someone get awesome grades without trying.

And that got to me, I guess. It’s a problem. Maybe that makes me arrogant. I can’t stand the idea of someone else being smart without working their butt off. But that’s no reason to give them attitude.

And that’s what I’ve been doing. And he knows it too. And I bet you he knows why. And I know he knows. And so now, I feel terrible.

And that’s what lead me to rushing over to my blog to rant out all my thoughts and clear my head.

So now maybe, maybe, I can get to studying for my test.


Every time I like a guy, I am faced with a head vs. heart situation.

And you know, every time I start a school year, I promise myself that I won’t fall for another guy and it ends up happening? Damn.

So my current situation is that I can’t help but like this guy and it’s getting worse by the minute. All of a sudden, I’m formulating plans in my head so I can “accidentally” bump into him or at the very least, walk out of school with him and take the subway home together. And then when we’re in a group, I am calculating the possibility of the off chance that everybody else will have to go else where and me and him will be alone.

Which is dumb, because I don’t even wanna date the guy.

Why would I not want to date the guy I like you ask?

Well I could give you the perfectly reasonable long answer: I simply don’t have time for one, I should focus on school, my parents don’t allow me to date anyways so I would have to sneak around (never mind that I constantly do that anyways) etc.

And then there’s the cold, harsh, short, simple truth: I’m afraid of getting hurt. Not only that, I am afraid of messing things up. There’s just so many factors that come into play with a high school relationship. Everybody else, parents, school etc. And plus, they hardly ever last. Is it really worth giving up a valued friendship for a few months of cuddling and kisses?

My head is complicated, I know.

But besides that, why am I even thinking about this?

There is nothing to say that this guy might like me.

Even if feelings were to end up as mutual, I would chicken myself out and mess everything up anyways.

Why is this such a dilemma?

How do I deal with this?

How I focus my head to rule out everything that my heart says because when it comes down to it, my head has a brain, my heart doesn’t.