Posts Tagged ‘people’

You know what types of people I find annoying? The ones that treat you like a toddler when in reality, you are only younger than them by a year or two.

There’s this one guy at work. Everyone think’s he’s cool and that he’s funny and all that and that’s fine. But I don’t care. Because he made a bad impression on me and his jokes towards me are really not amusing.

Maybe it’s stupid but one comment sometimes really gets to me. Like on my birthday, I saw him with a guy I liked and okay, I kind of interrupted them, coming into the middle of the conversation but I don’t think that’s a reason to be rude. The guy I liked tells him, “Hey, did you know it’s her birthday today?” So instead of saying “Happy Birthday” to me, he goes, “What’d you turn 12?” And worst of all, I didn’t hear him clearly so I asked him to repeat it. And the guy I liked repeated it. I didn’t even have a good comeback, I kind of just tilted my head and said, “I wouldn’t be able to work here then, would I?”

And after that he generally got more annoying with his jokes. Especially about my height.

“Bro, you’re so tall”. Ugh, height is kind of a touchy subject for me because I’ve always been told I’m short.

But I think the more he pushes my buttons, the more my bitchy side is going to rile up inside. Slowly, I’m going to have more and more attitude in store for him and then I’ll probably explode on him and I’ll just look bad.

Really though, he’s not even that funny, more like irritating.

The first day of school is on Monday.

But technically that’s not the first day that I step into the school or see my classmates again for the first time after two months of summer vacation.

Yesterday I went into school because we all had to get our schedules and metro cards.

So that being said, yesterday was the day I met up with my friends and their friends and etc.

It’s funny, these past two months, I’ve imagined going back to school. Except I imagine me going back as not necessarily a different person, just more open, more me, more confident.

I think (as I probably always do), “This is it, this time I’m going to kick off this year with a little bit more of a self-esteem boost.”

I planned I would started it just from the day I pick up my schedule.

But yesterday was… in a word, familiar. The same old, same old.

While that’s good in some cases, I don’t want to be sucked into the same routine. I found myself sitting the same way, fidgeting the same way, and talking the same quiet careful way.

I want to let myself go this year. Be myself without waiting until a person gets close enough for me to let them in.

But a lot of times I get shy. A lot of times, my head is spinning with good stuff, stuff that wants to be said out loud but I hold back and let others take the show.

Because I figure that more often than not, it’s better just to bite your tongue because that’s the safer path to go.

Which is stupid, really, because that’s the cowards way out.

So now when the first day of school officially starts, I’m not going to wait until people look at me or ask me something before saying what I want.

I’m not going to clam up when my friends get off at their stop leaving me on the train with one of their guy friends.

I’m not going to say my jokes quietly because I don’t think they’re funny and wait until someone close enough to hear laughs out loud and shares.

I’m not going to hide.

I wanna be out there.

I wanna stop being so afraid.

There’s nothing to be afraid of.

At this point, I don’t give a damn about cliques.

I’ve handled bullies and teasing and being singled out.

So why I can’t I come fully out of my shell.

I know I can be awesome. I just don’t like to show it.

^ I HATE THAT.

So here’s the story:

This morning when I woke up, my first thought was “It’s the first day of summer.” I should have something excited planned right? Or at least a plan to sit with a huge bowl of ice cream and watch reality tv shows for a couple hours straight?

 

Wrong. My first plan was to go get some tissue’s and clean up my snot filled nose.

Would you believe it, I got a runny nose on the first day of summer vacation? Well I guess it makes sense since I kept the AC running all night (hey, it was hot).

But around the afternoon, I decided to take a trip to the library. Is that weird, that I want to spend my first day of vacation at a library? I don’t know, call me weird, but I like to spend time at the library.

Well who would dress up to go to the library? No one. I guess. But most people would make sure they look okay in case they bump into someone.

But no, I just assumed I live alone in this world and the people I see in school don’t exist anywhere else.

So I went out with my bummy look.

My over sized, baggiest jeans- seriously, I think you could stuff and elephant in there. My short sleeved, also fairly baggy, t-shirt that I bought years ago. And lastly to top it all off, a rat’s nest of a hair-do stuffed into a bun at the back of my head held together with one chopstick sticking through it.

Oh-so attractive, right?

But who cares? I was just going to the library. Not like anyone was going to see me.

WROONNGGGGG!!!

Just when I least suspected it, when I was walking distracted, with my head down, I bump into him. Not a significant him I guess, or rather, I’ve doing everything I can so he isn’t a rather significant him. But who him is doesn;t even make a difference.

The point is, I just kind of looked at him, failed to say hi, out of embarrassment, even though he was looking at me.

And he just asks what I’m doing there. I tell him. I ask him the same, considering I know for a fact he lives a couple blocks away (not because I’m a stalker but because he told me, mind you) and he tells me he just came to pick up something from the post office (well duh).

And then we just kind of stand there awkwardly. He offers me a sip of his drink. I don’t even know what drink it was, I didn’t look at it at all, just stared ahead and refused. He asked what was wrong and I quickly said nothing. A few awkward seconds later, I mumbled a goodbye and headed off in a separate direction.

I don’t even know why I was so freaked out.

Happens to everybody.

I think from now on, every time I leave the house, I will double check my appearance.

Still running away from my “loser” past..

Sorry, let me retrace. Back to the morning of this day, when I was feeling load-free:

 

Not sure if you guys have heard but I AM DONE FOR THE YEAR!! Yes, finally, (finally), all the test are over, all the finals, all the regents, and the year too, only three days left. And I didn’t have school today since the week off for regents is still going on. And for the first time in what feels like a long while, I don’t have any studying or anything to do at home. So this morning, I was feeling free, light, and a just a teensy bit bored.

So I decided to organize my room. Ha! Imagine how proud my mom was.

I fixed up my desk and I rearranged my locker and I swept out loads of dust and crumpled papers that I think at point I had actually meant to throw out.

Now everyone knows that when you organize your room, memories come back. No, not everybody? That’s okay, I’m telling you now.

For me, at least, when I’m organizing my room, memories flow back.

I was cleaning out this locker I have with my books, workbooks, textbooks, writing stuff, makeup, perfume, cards, jewelry, money, and just about anything else you can think of.

And me, being me, I have a pencil box that I kept since I was 10 that holds all sorts of things that I thought was important enough for me to hold onto so that someday in the future when I’m older (for example, now), I would look back and be like, “wow, now I remember what it was like back then.”

And me being me, I had to take a break from my cleaning to sit down with that box, go through what was in it and.. well, reminisce I guess.

There was a few CD’s from my chorus concert’s that I performed in while growing up, some stickers that I thought were too pretty to use, the medal I won in the fifth grade for math excellence, and one two dollar bill that I thought would end up to be very valuable one day.

But mostly there just cards. Cards, and letters, and notes. Stuff that my friend’s wrote me, friend’s whom I didn’t know were my friends until the end of the year when they cleared their reputation by writing a long sappy letter and signing it off as my ‘friend’.

These were mostly from middle school though, the memories I have from elementary school friends are mostly nice. I had a close knit group of best friends in grade school and we would write letters to each other with words like “we will be friends forever, but if we ever get separated, never forget me”. Words that made me smile and hope they were doing okay now that we’re much older.

The letters from my middle school.. let’s say ‘people’, however, make me less smiley. Those letters are touching, they remind me that I am nice, kind, and was always an “amazing person”. Yet they never liked me throughout the school year, and did not fail to make that obvious either. I will give them credit that some did admit it, writing at the bottom of the letter, “To be honest, you were always nice to me no matter what, I don’t know why, but I just didn’t like you.”

Now, that’s nice, letting me know I was always nice to them. But don’t they know that I knew that? I know I was nice to them, of course I was nice to them, because that’s the kind of person I was, nice because I was always hoping they would take it as a sign to let their weapons down and let me in.

But why would they not like me? You can’t just write “I Don’t have a reason but I didn’t like you,” that’s ridiculous.

And you know what annoys me the most? In the letter, they always over-compliment me. Saying I was always beautiful, so kind, so goddamn great. I was so great, that I was their backup friend. Someone to go to when they were lonely.

And if other people were around, they just didn’t like me.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe it was because I was a loser. I don’t know the meaning of loser but now I think maybe it was because I just defined myself to be a loser and everyone went along with it. Maybe it was one person that had something truly against me and everyone just kind of followed along. Maybe, maybe, it was because I didn’t appear to respect myself to I never got it from anyone else.

Now it actually brings me a sense of calmness, knowing that it’s not like that anymore. Believe it or not, I actually stowed away those cards and letters right into that box and organized it along with my other stuff. So it will serve as a memory. Though it’s not the best memory, it will also help me reflect on how much things have changed.

And they have changed. Now I’m in high school. At first it felt like I was running from my loser self when I started high school. I was so desperate to get out of that zone. But I walked in with confidence- as fake as the hair of some of the lunch ladies in my school- and I did what they call, “fake it till you make it”.

I loose grip of my confidence at times, (okay, a lot, but I won’t let it show), but I will not go back to the person I was in middle school.

I let people walk all over me, believing that if I were nice until the very end, the would get a clue and actually think to be my friend. But news flash: it doesn’t exactly work that way. Scratch that, it doesn’t work that way- until the very end when they’re about to make their great escape (otherwise known as graduating and going to a school thankfully far away from mine) when they write up a teary sappy heart warming touching letter describing the amazing person you were that they took advantage of but never mind that because you should always “stay amazing” and “keep in touch”. Signed, by your ever so wonderful “friends”.

And that’s only to clear their guilt, perhaps. A way of apologizing, saying “Sorry for being so mean to you even though I don’t even have an explanation, not even now.” A way of clearing up their rep so they don’t have people hating them. A way of making “truce” before they move on with their lives. Total BS.

But I couldn’t care less now because I have moved on. Because now I grew up to be a teenager that doesn’t think of herself as a loser and doesn’t think anything in the world can make her a loser. This girl will not anyone sit there and define her and if they don’t want to be her friend, then so be it. It doesn’t mean now she will go against everyone that goes against her, but it means that she will respond with a smart, witty comeback and turn the other cheek because she is better than stopping down to their level.

Some days like today I wonder how I could ever let myself be looked down upon and I am determined not to let it happen again.

Today I tell myself that I might not be talking about “those fun middle school times with my best friends” but I should be grateful anyways because I learned from the worst times. And some day when I get to college, I will have “those fun high school times with my best friends” stories because now the people that I make real friends with have and will appreciate me for who I am.

So maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to organize my room today, my room does look quite neat.

So I was looking around some of the wordpress blogs and you know what I realized?

I realized there are a LOT of rant blogs.

Just stupid, bitchy, pointless rant blogs. Blogs with user’s that claim they hate life and absolutely everything about it.

And you know what? That’s my blog. My blog is supposed to of that, on going complaints and not being satisfied with anything.

The whole reason I created this thing was so I can pointlessly blab without worrying people will get annoyed.

Except sub-consciously, I am still worried. I have such a habit of keeping all of my thoughts locked up.

Never mind that this is my personal blog, that if people don’t want to read they can get off my page happily. Never mind all of that, I am just constantly worrying about not being good enough.

Which is just so ridiculously stupid.

Because this is my blog. I rant. I complain. My complaints are dumb and unreasonable? Guess what, I DON’T CARE.

Because it gets me down at the end. Not to let loose. Keeping everything locked up inside. Sometimes you just have to scream.

Sometimes you just have to type until your keyboards threaten to explode on you.

Just write pointlessly, bitchy, anger filled, or sad filled, whichever emotion that’s controlling you at the moment, and get it all out.

I don’t do that with people, I can’t really trust people like that. Plus people get tired of your stories and rants, they don’t care, and they don’t listen.

So online is where you unleash.

So yeah, I like rant blogs. Just stupid rants. About practically nothing.

They’re fun.

And refreshing.

The people I talk to at school, if you asked them, I guess they would say they know me. But here’s the thing: They don’t.

They may see me everyday and make small talk, but they don’t really know me at all. Even the friends that I play cards with during lunch everyday, they don’t know me. They know my name, that I’m relatively quiet, and that I’m nice. But I’m not really myself with them. I guess it comes naturally, I don’t even think about it, I just don’t think, “Let me let myself be free, be open, reveal how thoughts.” Just because usually, there are other things to distract people. Other people that are hogging the center of attention. And I don’t mind. I just stand back and reserve myself sometimes. Just let myself play the role as the extra. Until I have to step in and be either kind, or funny, whichever fits the situation best.

So what I’m trying to get at here, is, I’m not really me in real life, I’m me over the internet. I’m myself over the internet. The things I say here, the way I write on here, is how its playing in my mind. I don’t reveal this side of me to the people I am social with. They don’t even know I have a blog.

The blog thing isn’t really a huge secret, if I had to, I would tell, I’m not embarrassed of ashamed. It’s just, people are not used to the me I am on this blog. Over the internet, I hold the spotlight, I choose to let my personality shine through. In school, I only let parts shine through.

That given, in school I don’t have a lot of close friends. I have people that I talk to, hang out with, play cards with, who’s stories I listen to. But I don’t like to get too close and reveal too much about myself. Just because they might not care or they just might use it against me later.

So when my friends need to vent, they all come to me because I listen. When I need to vent, I go to maybe a selected few friends; but that number is decreasing and I don’t really know why. When I have things boiling and stirring inside of me, I don’t have a best friend to go to and pour everything out. Anyways, I don’t believe in best friends, not anymore. I have close friends, but even they are not there during the darkest of times.

So who shall I turn to when I need to unwind, release a good heartbreaking speech, have an ear to listen to me. I figured, I’ll use this blog for that too. Mostly I use this blog to complain, whine, obsess over how annoying people are. Cuz that stuff is funny, its interesting, and a lot of it, so very true.

That part is also a part people don’t see in me in real life, complaining and irritated over things. They see me as calm, just accepting everything. I keep that stuff buried inside for the internet.

But, I need this site as a vent place too. Somewhere where I can get all my mad feelings out, my irritated feelings, and my hurt feelings. I guess in a way, turning this into my diary, my replacement best friend.

Kind of pathetic if you think about it, but its my best option. I’m tired of people betraying me and people thinking they know me when they don’t. The internet is when only people that will care will read this. I’ll just write it up, leave it, and there won’t be the chance that I will waste someone’s time telling them my thoughts when they don’t care. If people are not interested, which I respect, they will simply stop reading within the beginning of the post and move on somewhere else.

I really don’t want people from school reading this blog. Only because they will be so surprised. They will think, “wow, you think all of this up?” “All this stuff is going on through your head?” And then one of two things will happen.

Either 1) They will find it pathetic, ridiculous, and just laugh it off. Maybe even thinking, “Can you believe this drama queen?”

Or 2) They will provide pity. And I can’t handle that, I don’t like pity. They will think, “Poor girl, I must go and comfort her now after never giving her much thought before only because she actually is hurt”. And that will just break me, I will only turn cold to that. I can’t deal with pity.

So yeah, that is all, thank you for your time. Not my usual I guess but thank you for reading. ❤

You ever get those moments when you don’t even want to think rationally?

When you just want to vent things out and say things without worrying weather they will make sense or not?

I like to do that. Scratch that, I LOVE to do that.

So let’s begin.

Today I don’t really have a particular list of things in mind. During the school day, it seems as if I’m frustrated with everything and would probably write up good blog content. But then I come home, relax, let all my sense’s return and thought I don’t exactly forget what made me mad, I do forget my extremely annoyed or prissy moods. But anyways, I can vent anytime. And since I can’t think of anything else to write on here for now, I’ll give it a shot.

1. I don’t like pity. Like seriously. Do not pity me. I will not appreciate it. I will pity you that you actually believe pitying me will make me feel better.

2. Half naked girls posting pictures of themselves every single day with the caption, “I look crappy, but whatever”. Especially the ones with those duck faces, oh god. There is really no explanation for that.

3. People that are too loud for their own good. Ugh, those are annoying. Like seriously, shut up, no one is really listening to you anyways.

4. Jealousy. Hate it. Always have. Always will. Thing is, I do it too. That’s the worst part, because I can’t help it. I don’t care if I don’t even like the person, if they stop talking to me or left me for a another girl, I will get jealous.

5. Stress. Hate to stress. About life. About friends. Schoolwork. The future. And then, you know, stress doesn’t even help me out that much anyways.

6. My stupid GPA. The thing just doesn’t want to get higher does it? It always stays around the same. It’s not a particularly bad average but come on, I work harder, that thing is supposed to get higher, damn it.

7. The need to pee when you have piles of homework to do. Ugh, its just one extra hassle. You have math homework, reading assignments, essays, project,s lost your pencil, and now you gotta interrupt everything to go pee. Wonderful.

8. No, dropping out of school and hanging out at some deserted alley with a bunch of kids with a too old age and a too dumb brain and then bragging about it online is not impressive. Do what you want with your life, but there’s no need to advertise it to the rest of the world.

9. You know, I don’t even know how many categories this post belongs to. Like okay, it is about me, personally I guess, my opinions and statements. It’s also about our sad idea of  society. And it mentions people that irritate me. Stuff in school is involved. Ugh, categorizing. Now it’s about blogging too.

10. Hits and likes. Sometimes I get them so easily and I don’t even try hard on the post. And sometimes I click publish thinking “Oh yeah, my readers are going to love this”, and I get like maybe 2 likes. Cool. I don’t know, I don’t want to even write based on what people want to read. I want to write based on what I want to write.