Posts Tagged ‘stress’

Miserable At This Point

Posted: February 22, 2014 in Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

I have too much on my plate.

It seems I keep coming back here this year: going out of my mind because it’s all simply too much.

I have a part-time job now. I applied because I know they hire people around this time of the year and I didn’t want to wait until summer because they hardly hire anyone over the summer.

So now I work on the weekends. I also work every time we have a week off in school. Which was this week. And it’s been about a month since I’ve been working now. And I can tell you that it’s really tiring. And the part that sucks the most is that I still can’t get things right. I keep messing up and the managers always see and they get pissed off and today, I was about to just collapse and burst into tears.

But of course, I would never forgive myself if I let myself get out of control like that.

And now, not only do I have this job to worry about, I also have school, let’s not forget that. I have to keep up my grades. I have to study for the SAT. And I’m a part of the Law Team in my school and we have a competition on Tuesday.

It’s just too much. And it’s really the job that’s getting annoying now. And I can’t even admit it because I wanted it. And I like getting paid. I just need to get used to it. No matter how much attitude my manager gives me. No matter how much I mess up. I need to learn. And I need to deal.

So I’m holding my breath. And washing away my tears. And sucking it up.

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They say that out of all your years in high school, your junior year is most important.

And by ‘they’, I mean all teachers and parents and most students.

Heck by now even if you asked the stray dog next door which year of high school was most important, he’d probably bark out a “Woof woof, Junior year of course.”

Okay, that was really bad but you can’t expect to hear good jokes from me when I’m over thinking things.

So I got my final scores for my regents.

I screwed up on Chemistry, failed it, but I couldn’t care less and I’m just going to retake it.

The Trigonometry regents, however, I did really good.

I got a 94 out of 100. That means I probably only made a few careless errors.

That also means that since I received higher than a 90 on the regents, I get to skip Pre-Calculus next year and go right onto AP Calculus for my Junior year.

That also means I have nothing to take for a math class during my senior year.

And that’s great. That’s really really great.

Except that all my friends, the ones that I still and will always believe are so smart, got a decent grade on this exam, but less than 90’s.

They were so close to a 90, just a few points away, but they didn’t make it.

Somehow, I got into the 90’s range, and they’re going where they’re supposed to go and I’m going one step ahead with all the smart kids.

Which means I’m going to be taking math class without my friends next year.

I don’t know if I can handle that.

For one thing, I truly believe that it was my friends that helped me throughout this year, even if I ended up doing better than them.

They were there for me and we were study buddy’s.

Next year, when I’m suffering and dying and about to shoot all my homework and test scores, I won’t be able to turn to them for help because they’ll be taking a lower class from me.

Plus, that’s like 4 AP classes for me next year.

AP Calculus

AP US History

AP English

and AP Biology

And on top of that I need to keep up my GPA because for colleges, the junior year GPA count’s the most!

I feel like I should just go for it, headfirst, get as far as possible without looking back.

But I also know it’s going to be a hell of a journey and I might just loose some of my hair while trying to get through it.

You ever get those moments when you don’t even want to think rationally?

When you just want to vent things out and say things without worrying weather they will make sense or not?

I like to do that. Scratch that, I LOVE to do that.

So let’s begin.

Today I don’t really have a particular list of things in mind. During the school day, it seems as if I’m frustrated with everything and would probably write up good blog content. But then I come home, relax, let all my sense’s return and thought I don’t exactly forget what made me mad, I do forget my extremely annoyed or prissy moods. But anyways, I can vent anytime. And since I can’t think of anything else to write on here for now, I’ll give it a shot.

1. I don’t like pity. Like seriously. Do not pity me. I will not appreciate it. I will pity you that you actually believe pitying me will make me feel better.

2. Half naked girls posting pictures of themselves every single day with the caption, “I look crappy, but whatever”. Especially the ones with those duck faces, oh god. There is really no explanation for that.

3. People that are too loud for their own good. Ugh, those are annoying. Like seriously, shut up, no one is really listening to you anyways.

4. Jealousy. Hate it. Always have. Always will. Thing is, I do it too. That’s the worst part, because I can’t help it. I don’t care if I don’t even like the person, if they stop talking to me or left me for a another girl, I will get jealous.

5. Stress. Hate to stress. About life. About friends. Schoolwork. The future. And then, you know, stress doesn’t even help me out that much anyways.

6. My stupid GPA. The thing just doesn’t want to get higher does it? It always stays around the same. It’s not a particularly bad average but come on, I work harder, that thing is supposed to get higher, damn it.

7. The need to pee when you have piles of homework to do. Ugh, its just one extra hassle. You have math homework, reading assignments, essays, project,s lost your pencil, and now you gotta interrupt everything to go pee. Wonderful.

8. No, dropping out of school and hanging out at some deserted alley with a bunch of kids with a too old age and a too dumb brain and then bragging about it online is not impressive. Do what you want with your life, but there’s no need to advertise it to the rest of the world.

9. You know, I don’t even know how many categories this post belongs to. Like okay, it is about me, personally I guess, my opinions and statements. It’s also about our sad idea of ¬†society. And it mentions people that irritate me. Stuff in school is involved. Ugh, categorizing. Now it’s about blogging too.

10. Hits and likes. Sometimes I get them so easily and I don’t even try hard on the post. And sometimes I click publish thinking “Oh yeah, my readers are going to love this”, and I get like maybe 2 likes. Cool. I don’t know, I don’t want to even write based on what people want to read. I want to write based on what I want to write.

That’s what some of my friends sometimes say to me. And the answer I give them: Yes! I do stress! Because without stressing I feel like I didn’t put in my best, the most effort I could possibly put in. And besides that, with all the pressure coming from all different directions, how can you¬†not stress??

The school year is ending, except not quite. Except the ending is really just beginning. Now is when it starts to hit you that you are only a few months away from going onto the next year. It seems like just a few months I had just started this year! And now it’s like the year is pretty much over and if I don’t remember everything I learned this whole school year, I am so screwed.

And then comes the idea that life is moving way too fast. Didn’t I just start high school? Oh wait, I’m half way done with high school and my future is giving me creepy little smirks from the distance making me wonder what is to come.

Oh yeah, and add in the pressure from the parents. The whole, “you’re almost grown up now, better map out the rest of your life.” The parents are the reason you’re breathing the air you’re breathing, living the way you’re living. They went through so much to give you a good future and provide the best for you and god forbid you screw up, it’s going to be a major disappointment. Yeah, I’ve heard it all before, it might as well be written on the back of my hand.

What if I’m not sure how the future is going to turn out? What if I’m not completely positive that this is the path that I want to take? What if, what if… what if I’m just over thinking everything like I always do. Letting things get to me and freaking out over nothing? After all, everyone’s either going through the same thoughts or went through the same thoughts at once right? That’s probably it, I just have a habit to stress. It makes me feel like if I do mess up, I did try not to mess up and worry beforehand. So that’s good… right? .-.