Posts Tagged ‘trust’

This post is about my parents. So I’m warning you now. If you’ll criticize me for thinking this way, you can go elsewhere.

The thing is, I feel like I’m stuck. With them. Except not so literally. I’m stuck in the way I am with them and they way they are with me. I’m stuck in the life of a 12 year old basically. And I can’t get past this. Because at first, it was my parents punishing me. Then it was me punishing me because I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect. Now it’s just the norm.

I can’t get past that. I have little to no freedom. As far as they know, I don’t talk to a single guy. I don’t hang out with friends. I have no life. I don’t even have a smart phone.

And here’s the point where you can criticize me. Tell me that I’m a brat. Wanting material things when other people have it worse. Yes, I get it, I have a roof over my head and food on my plate, I should so grateful. And I am grateful for that bit. But it’s not just that.

I don’t have trust. They don’t trust me. And I never asked for that trust. Because in reality, no kid really deserves trust. Every kid lies, every kid doesn’t tell the complete truth, don’t try to tell me otherwise. No kid is perfect. But without trust, there can be no relationship. At all.

Because I knew I could never count on myself to tell them the complete truth, 100%, all the time, I never thought I deserved the trust at all. And they accepted that. But I can’t live like this anymore. I’m getting older. Yet I’m living the same shitty old reality day by day.

If life was a movie, the main character would go to her parents, and they’d sit down in the comfy old living room together, and they’d have this big ole talk about each other’s feeling’s, and both sides would understand, and they’d compromise, it would end with a big ole hug and everything would be okay.

But life is not like that. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and count the days.

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Recently, a friend of mine sought me out and made the time to sit down with me because she had some thoughts she needed to get off her chest and thought I would be the best person to talk to.

This touched me deeply, especially because me and her aren’t even close friends.

And she was saying how she knew I would give her practical advice and most importantly: I would just listen.

This statement took me back. To about a month ago. The front steps of my house, with my childhood close friend, just talking, talking about what was bothering us, not necessarily asking for help or advice, just talking, talking about what needed to be talked about.

And at the end, she sighed and told me that it was such a relief to just be able to talk without being judged. How she likes that I simply listen and let her talk.

And that made me so happy.

But it occurred to me that I always encourage people to talk to me, I always listen.

But I never allow the reverse to happen.

Because time after time again, I have been burned and betrayed, judged, and left behind.

I just don’t trust myself to simply talk anymore.

Which sucks, because I have a lot to say. I just know that people won’t just listen. They’ll talk. They’ll judge. They’ll criticize.

So is it so terrible? That I’m like a hypocrite?

Letting people trust me with their feelings, but not trusting other people with mines?

I can’t risk it. I can’t spill. I can’t let my walls dissolve.

It’s just not safe in this world.

We’re young. We’re growing up. We’re discovering new things. We’re teenagers. 

You can’t blame us for wanting to have some freedom. We’re not kids anymore. Yes, I realize we’re not adults, but we’re young adults, aren’t we? Almost?

So why is it that parents can’t just trust us? Why is that everything is such a big deal? I get that in this age we’re more likely to get in trouble, but keeping us locked up like a bird in a cage isn’t going to help. In fact, that may just encourage us to pick open the lock until we can sneak out and fly away. Don’t worry, we’ll come back. And we’re old enough to take care of ourselves. All we want is some independence.

I am a teenager! I want freedom! Have faith in me! Have some trust! I deserve another chance!

Besides, haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Strict parents make sneaky kids?”

I know parents are just looking out for us, but we need to learn from our own mistakes. We need to live a little. And trust is so so very vital in our lives.

So why won’t parent trust teenagers? 😦