Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

A Continuation..

Posted: December 22, 2015 in Life, Love, Me, Myself, and I
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This is a continuation from the last post.

I didn’t say everything I wanted to say. The post was already so long and I felt overwhelmed and needed a break to collect my thoughts before continuing.

I wanted to share about another person that’s become to be very important in my life. That’s my best guy friend from high school. High school is a funny phase, sometimes it feels like your friends with everyone. And I guess you are but bonds are different and not all bonds last after you change schools. This wasn’t the case with my best friend.

My best friend is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. That seems like such a shallow and loose term- great. But it’s the word that comes to mind first. He’s a good guy at heart and he is one of my sources of strength, my mentor, my protector, and my support. While I tell other people, “it’s a long story”, he is the guy that I share that long story with, with paragraphs and paragraphs of texts. And he complains every time about the length but I know he doesn’t truly mind because he reads everything and gives everything he can to try and help me and guide me. He’s the one that knows in an instant when there’s something on my mind and the one that teases me and pushes me around but then puts me on the path I need to be. He’s one of the most complex people I’ve ever met and he analyzes out loud and ponders endless life questions. He’s the friend I could imagine standing by my side years and years later. He is the support behind my relationship and he never lets me allow my emotions or fear to get the best of me. He is everything you could ask for in a friend. He’s the friend that makes people turn to me and ask, “Where’d you manage to find a friend like that?” The friend that calls me at 3am in the morning when I’m crying to try and make me feel better with his horrible jokes. The friend that challenges me along with supporting me and pushes me to be a better person. The kind of friend I’ve spent all of my life looking for and he came to unexpected, a gift of fate. I’m truly blessed.

I’m truly blessed at this point of my life right now. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect but I’m happy with my life and I’m proud of where I am and thankful for the people around me. I have two guys in my life who are my world. I’ll work hard to keep them, but if I lose them, they’ll forever be in my hearts and I’ll forever cherish the memories. I’m at a great college and I’ve been blessed with full financial aid along with a scholarship from my high school. I’m even at a decent point regarding my relationship with my parents. I just don’t want all this gratefulness to go unacknowledged.

I think that’s all I’ve got to say for now. I know it wasn’t your typical ranting post that you’d expect from me on this blog. But besides all my complaining and whining, I want people to know that there are times that I step back and think, “Wow, my life is pretty nice after all.”

But don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll have something to rant about again pretty soon, haha. Can’t say for sure whether I’ll need to vent about it or realize that it’ll only seem this bad until it gets much better.. but maybe I’ll have some material for you guys soon, who knows? We’ll see.

Thank you so much for reading my sappy sentimental thoughts, haha. Even if no one cares, this was more for me, something that I could record if I ever want to look back at a time when I liked how my life was.

Take care, readers.

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Hi everyone.

I wasn’t sure what to title this post because I’m not entirely sure what this post will be about. I think it will be centered around my evaluation of my life since I’ve last written here. My last blog post was written over a year ago.. I can’t even begin to apologize because really, what can I say? It’s my responsibility to keep up this blog but sometimes life happens and the more time there’s been since my last post, the less motivated I feel to get up and write. There’s just so much to say, so much ups and downs and things I’ve accomplished in the last year.

The last time I posted, I had turned 17. Some of my posts around that time had been about a guy from work that I liked, a 19 year old guy that I was trying very hard to not catch feelings for. But as the cliché saying goes, the heart wants what it wants and no matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, I could not ignore the spark between us. I am very blessed to say that we ended up together and we have completed a year and 5 months together. We shared our first kiss on July 18th, 2014 and a couple months later, he turned 20, and June of 2015, I turned 18 and a few months ago, he turned 21. So yeah, time has definitely flown by.

So about this guy.. where do I even start? He is definitely different and just so much more amazing than I thought he was when I first met him. He cares for me deeply and makes me truly feel beautiful. He means every word he says and he’s straight up and real and he’s relaxed and comforting and supportive. He listens and while I’m a complex algebra expression, he is my simplified answer. That is not to say he isn’t deep, he’s got a mind that’s intelligent and evaluates things and holds strong opinions that he’s not afraid to stand by. If I’m being shallow, he’s everything I wouldn’t imagine being with; he seems ghetto on the exterior, he’s a different nationality and culture from me, and he’s anti-religion and doesn’t even believe in marriage. But when I look at the person inside, he’s everything I couldn’t imagine being without. He may not believe in religion or marriage (because of the negotiating, and the paperwork defining love and all that) but he believes in us and that’s what’s so beautiful about him. He doesn’t believe in God but he’s supportive of my beliefs and I admire his courage to state he doesn’t believe in God and state his reasons why. I especially admire his ability to push past the facts that we are both from different cultures and types of families and although our parents disprove of us together, he is still able to imagine a future with me. He makes me believe in us and makes me stronger and he makes me more optimistic.

One day, my best friend asked me, “Why him? Why not any other guy? Any other guy could probably do the things he is doing to make you happy.” But I explained that it’s not just him, it’s the effect he has on me, the way he makes me feel, and the things he makes me want to do for him. I have posts here complaining about how society says that girl’s are supposed to learn how to cook for their husbands. But, my guy makes me want to learn how to cook for him. He makes me want to envision living with him, cooking for him, caring for him, and making him happy, thus making myself happy. He makes me want to do everything I can to prioritize him and be the best girl to him I can be. He makes me feel feelings that feel overwhelming, feelings that make me cry at night when I think about what could happen if I lose him. But so much of this experience has taught me that it’s no use worrying about the future, all I can do is work my hardest to create a good path from now and make the present the best time I can make it. I’m aware of the fact that the more I feel now, the more it will hurt if it’s over.. but I know that for the feelings I feel now, it’s all worth it. I want to let go and just love completely and without regret because even if it ends, I’ll have the memories to cherish and the only thing I’ll regret is not giving it my all when I could.

So that’s all for the update on my love life if anyone was interested. As for my friends, I’m at an interesting point in my life because after high school is when you realize who your true friends from high school really were. I just completed my first semester in college, and I am still close to my best guy friend who attends a different college from me and I see him at least once every week and talk all the time.

 

He’s sweet.

He’s sincere.

He hates liars.

He hates people who are fake, to the point where he prefers girl’s completely natural, no makeup, no touch-ups, all flaws included.

And he’s a poet.

Did I mention he’s into me? That’s the best part.

Wait no- the best part is probably the fact that he’s 19, but never been in a relationship, never got a first kiss, nothing. I’m not sure why but that is just a major turn-on. It’s because I know he hasn’t been around, he’s not jaded about romance, and everything he does or says just come out so.. sweet.

Oh and I think we’re kind of together. I don’t really know actually, and I’m not about to question things, I’m just going to let it flow.

He admitted he liked me, I admitted I liked him and he also admitted that he would kiss me except he’s nervous and he’s probably bad at it.

Eep. By the way, there’s no way he’s bad at it, it’s like impossible. Besides, I’ve only kissed one guy in my lifetime so I’m probably bad at it too.

But he’s so sweet.

And so thoughtful.

Just, such a nice person in general.

And sentimental too.

I think I found a gem.

I’m going to go now before I turn into jell-o.

 

Every time I like a guy, I am faced with a head vs. heart situation.

And you know, every time I start a school year, I promise myself that I won’t fall for another guy and it ends up happening? Damn.

So my current situation is that I can’t help but like this guy and it’s getting worse by the minute. All of a sudden, I’m formulating plans in my head so I can “accidentally” bump into him or at the very least, walk out of school with him and take the subway home together. And then when we’re in a group, I am calculating the possibility of the off chance that everybody else will have to go else where and me and him will be alone.

Which is dumb, because I don’t even wanna date the guy.

Why would I not want to date the guy I like you ask?

Well I could give you the perfectly reasonable long answer: I simply don’t have time for one, I should focus on school, my parents don’t allow me to date anyways so I would have to sneak around (never mind that I constantly do that anyways) etc.

And then there’s the cold, harsh, short, simple truth: I’m afraid of getting hurt. Not only that, I am afraid of messing things up. There’s just so many factors that come into play with a high school relationship. Everybody else, parents, school etc. And plus, they hardly ever last. Is it really worth giving up a valued friendship for a few months of cuddling and kisses?

My head is complicated, I know.

But besides that, why am I even thinking about this?

There is nothing to say that this guy might like me.

Even if feelings were to end up as mutual, I would chicken myself out and mess everything up anyways.

Why is this such a dilemma?

How do I deal with this?

How I focus my head to rule out everything that my heart says because when it comes down to it, my head has a brain, my heart doesn’t.

“This is the stop, let’s get off,”

“Alright, is everyone taking the subway?”

“No, some people are taking the next bus,”

 

I followed my friends and carefully stepped off the bus. Through the fog I could barely see which direction we were walking in and the crowds of people didn’t help. Why did we pick a rainy day to go bowling again? Oh yeah, it’s because it’s the last day before the break and we haven’t spent time as a group yet. I distantly hear my friends starting to say goodbye to each other and separating off. I lift my head and my eyes meet a pair of warm brown eyes. He makes his way through a few people to get to me and warps me up in a bear hug. I chuckle and bury my face in his chest. He pulls back soon, but keeps one arm around me and I keep one arm around his back.

 

“I have to take the bus,” He tells me as we both start walking.

“I know, I’m taking the subway,” I say.

 

“You know, you’re actually like my best friend,” He admits after a beat of silence. It was as if he just needed to let me know. I look him in surprise.

 

“Really?”

I ask him what happened to his old best friend, a girl who he had liked but hadn’t gotten liked back by. He hesitated, but replied,

 

“Oh. She’s part 2, I guess. She’s also my best friend,” I nod and we both slow down as the subway comes into sight. He reluctantly removes his arm from around me, forcing me to do the same. He turns to me slowly, as if we were saying farewell for a time longer than four days.

 

“Well, thanks for helping me and you know, being there for me,” He says with a shy, boyish smile. I peer at him through the misty rain. His eyes are squinting to see through the rain and little droplets of water rest on his carefully combed hair. I almost want to reach over and brush them away but I know that would be risking everything. Instead, I smile at him.

“You’re welcome.”

And right before he turns away, he hugs me again. I wrap my arms around his mid-section and wonder if there was any way I could freeze time and just stay there, in his warmth, under the misty rain. I understand that there wasn’t when I was no longer in his arms and he was no longer in my line of vision. I turn, looking for the subway in confusion. I feel my friend pull on my bag and lead me to the subway, which happened to be right behind me. Afterwards, my friend asked if I had a good time. I thought of his smiling face under the foggy mist and grinned.

“Yeah. It was a great day.”

You know that moment when you realize that you long to talk to that one person maybe too often then you should.

That when you walk into the room, your’s eyes immediately scan the area looking for him?

That when you love talking to him because you smile better and you laugh longer.

That after two years of seeing him as a buddy, he suddenly seems to have grown up this year, more leaner muscles, and way more mature and good looking.

That moment when it hits you that you no longer see him as a buddy anymore.

That’s the moment when I say, “Crap.”

Because you see, that’s the moment when I know I’m screwed.

Because I hate it when I like a guy. And especially my friend. Someone I see everyday and admire.

I can’t cope with it. Because I am not going to “go for it”.

I won’t consider him liking me and us having a relationship.

I won’t. Because its too complicated.

And high school relationships never last.

And besides that, he really liked one my closest friends. And he’s still getting over her.

And I love him too much as a friend to risk that anyways.

So I can’t like him.

Yet, I do.

What I like about him? Jeez, there are so many things..

If you read the poem I posted on the last post, I mainly fell in love with the way he fell for my friend. The way he tried not to like her, but couldn’t help it, the longing look on his face when he looked at her.

I would love for him to look at me like that.

But I can’t wish for that.

It’s too risky.

He is really something though.

Sensitive. Funny. Playful. Childish. Understanding. And so vulnerable at times, it makes my heart ache.

It makes me want to hug him hard and protect him and ask him to do the same for me.

But that’s just my fantasy dreams talking.

I just have to be his friend. And he said I’m one of his closest friends.

So that has to be something.

So let’s just ignore the fact that I maybe possibly probably like him.

Because that doesn’t matter.

If only I could stop thinking about him.

Hey naive girl,

Didn’t you know?

This is the real world,

Not a fairytale

This is where all is an illusion

When the truth is a lie

And the lie is a truth

No, he didn’t mean to say it

No, you didn’t mean to believe it

The cards were laid out on the table

And you chose what you assumed

Your innocence has forgot to let you know

That real life is nothing but a show.