Let’s Pretend I Didn’t Just Fart In A Silent Classroom

You know what sucks about getting sick? You sneeze a lot. And you know what sucks about sneezing? Sometimes, when you sneeze, a fart comes out. You know what sucks about fart-sneezes? You can’t feel the fart coming until it’s too late. And then you have to sit there and pretend it was just a sneeze and don’t one of those sneeze-farts.

So I was taking my U.S History regents yesterday in school. And I swear the room is dead quiet, because, well we were taking a test. And I can feel the sneeze coming. But I hate sneezing in a quiet room. I just feel like it makes unnecessary noise and brings unnecessary attention.

But I can’t avoid it. So I let it loose.

Right there in the middle of a dead silent classroom full of students taking an exam.

A loud sneeze and the unmistakable fart that comes along with it. Awesome.

Oh and then I sit there as a whole bunch of guys turn around, look at me and say, “Bless you”.

And I politely say “thank you”, because like them, I would rather only acknowledge the sneeze part of that sneeze fart.

But then again what are supposed to say to someone who accidentally sneeze farts? “Sorry you couldn’t contain your gas”?

As Mother’s Moral’s Slipped Out The Window..

I pleaded, “TAKE MINE WITH YOU!”

Haha. So today, my mom decided to attend an event at one of her friend’s house.  And naturally, she dragged us along.

I didn’t really wanna go because

a: Her friend’s are like old ladies trying to “hip” and “modern” (not cool) and

b: I was just too lazy to go.

But whatever, I went because frankly, there wasn’t much to do at home.

Now the thing is, the “event” or get together or whatever you wanna call it, started a bit later. So it was like having dinner and then dessert and then really just wasting time as the mom’s talk about who’s wearing what. Okay.

So then it’s almost 11pm and my dad calls from work and asks my mom where she is.

And my mom tells him that we are all at my cousins house. Meanwhile, my cousin’s family is with us in my mom’s friend’s house.

Aka, she lied. Blatantly. This is her reasoning:

“Your dad’s just going to worry about us walking home at this hour of the night. If he think’s we’re at your cousins house, he won’t care since they live down the block. Let’s not worry him.”

So she was doing him a favor.. ?

It just amused me, how she let go of her morals like that. Teeny white lie, something I would use against her.

Even though lately, I’ve been feeling guilty when I lie like that.

I must be growing up, or something. Oh no.

Who Need’s Company When You Have A Smart Phone?

Have you ever made an attempt to sit with your group of friends so you guys can talk for about five minutes before someone’s phone beeps and everyone else just takes out their phone and zones out in their own world?

If you have, congratulations, you have adapted to the ways of the 21st century.

Because honestly, it’s not like you sit with your friends to actually talk to them, I mean, that is so last century.

No, you sit with people because while you’re not going to exactly converse with them, you wouldn’t be caught dead sitting alone.

So you sit in a group but the purpose of sitting in a group is really just that- to sit in a group. You sit with someone simply to text someone else on your phone or even simply to scroll through your news feed or go through your pictures.

Can you imagine the future of this generation?

I mean, we wouldn’t even need to have friends anymore pretty soon. Everybody will be like, “Well, whats the point of going through the trouble of making friends when I can just play games on my smart phones or look through instagram photos?”

And forget relationships. I heard that if you have an Iphone, you can just talk to Siri. Honestly, I’ve seen guys talking to Siri as if it was an actual person.

Asking things like, “Siri, will you marry me?” and Siri actually answers, “We barely know each other.”

So now smart phones can substitute for a telephone, a map, a textbook, a computer, friends, or and a girlfriend too if you’re desperate enough.

Who need’s actual human beings anyway?

Looking Green Is So Yesterday

Yes, I changed my theme again.

If you’ve read my blog before I publish this post, then you have seen my “Girl In Green” theme. While I thought that look was cute for a little bit, now it just seemed to make me feel a little green.

By the way, if this is your first time reading my posts, Welcome! And don’t worry about missing out on seeing my blog in “Girl in Green” theme, it wasn’t too pretty.

So after searching (and searching) I decided to try this theme out. It seems pretty cool. For now.

But knowing myself as well as I do (which is pretty much all my life), I’ll probably get sick of this theme a few months later so enjoy it while it lasts.

Honestly though, I am so damn picky over stuff like themes. Everything is just too plain, or too weird looking, or mainly for photographers, or just doesn’t scream out “me”.

Although if any theme did scream out, “me”, I should probably get off the computer and check myself into a mental hospital or something.

That’s where you go when you start hearing things, right?

How To Take A Selfie

1: Pick out an outfit that exaggerates your assets. For example, a shirt that makes your boobs pop up like balloons and maybe some shorts that could be mistaken for panties.

2: Make sure you are in your bathroom with the toilet as your background.

3. Hold your camera phone away from you, but at a higher position, never directly straight in front of you. This is to make you appear “smaller” even though you have worn clothes that make you appear bigger.

4. Bend your knees a little and squeeze your shoulders closer to you so that a nice line appears on your cleavage.

5: Pucker your lips into a duck face and click the capture.

6. (Optional) Post the picture online with a nice filter with either of the following captions:

– I look ehh but whatever

– All natural

– Blurry, and I look fat, but whatevs

Congratulations! You have now learned one of the most important skills of being the typical air-headed teenage girl.

He Who Laughs At All My Jokes

Don’t you just love knowing people like to be around you?

Having someone who you know you can make laugh when you want feels so amazing.

I have this friend, and honestly, I think I have written quite a few posts about this guy.

But I still won’t tell who.

And he’s a friend. And awesome friend. And he thinks of me as an awesome friend.

And I know this because he tells me that he likes talking to me because I give him realistic advice and I get people in a good mood.

Now isn’t that a nice thing to hear?

And when we’re out with friends and I comment something, joke around, or casually diss someone, he backs me up saying that if I said it, it must be right because I am apparently the “smartest person he knows.”

Well, that could also mean that he hangs out with a lot of idiots..

But overall, I took it as a compliment.

And I just love talking to him because I can tease him and make fun of him and he takes it so well. And he’s so fun to be with and light to talk to.

And if I had to write a paper on him, I could write the best essay out there and go on and on about him.

Because the thing about him is that he’s so unique and there’s really no one else in the world like him.

And I was actually chatting with him a few minutes ago.

Had no idea how to start the conversation. So I sent him a picture of a cat sleeping and said, “You, when it’s time for school.” (He is often an hour late to school because of over sleeping).

And just like that, the conversation has started.

He sends me back a picture of a pissed of cat and says, “Hahaha, You when I know something is wrong with you.”

This is an insider between us. All through out last year, I had random days where I had terrible days and the slightest of things would mess up my mood for the day.

I was pretty good at hiding it from other people (or maybe it’s that nobody really cared to ask what’s wrong) but as soon as I saw HIM he would be like “What’s wrong?”

And it got frustrating after a while, because he could tell so easily and I just couldn’t hide a single thing from him because he noticed every goddamn thing.

And he was proud of the fact too.

So that’s how our conversation started today after a while of not talking to each other due to our busy lives.

And our conversation just flows.

I tell him, “Ugh, 5 seconds into the conversation and you’ve already managed to annoy me,” he tells me, “Hahaha, It’s a gift, and what’s up?”

And so it goes.

I’d Prefer To Poop Out My Pounds Please

Yes, you read that correctly.

No, I’m not talking about laxatives. Just hear me out.

Don’t we all know that one girl who every few months or so, goes into this crazed “Oh my gosh I must loose weight” sort of thing, and then once food is tasty to them again, they’re just like, “Ugh, screw this, I like my body just the way it is.”

Yeah. That girl is me.

It’s not so much that I said “Screw this,” but rather that I thought now that school had opened and I spend my day running up and down stairs and my lunch period studying in the library, I thought weight loss would just happen, that I didn’t have to think about it.

I was wrong.

Because although I am getting a tad bit more exercise than the “channel surfing” I do at home during the summer, I end up eating too much at night and not drinking enough water throughout the day.

Water has always been a problem; it’s one of those things where I know should drink it, I just don’t think, “I’m thirsty, let me go get some water instead of some juice.”

But anyways, it’s not even that I’m gaining weight.

It’s that school has started and I’m not loosing.

I have stayed pretty much the same.

Because while I’m doing some things that would get rid of pounds, I end up doing some other things that gains pounds and that just equals out the equation.

So I’m looking back into some ways to loose weight easily. I don’t have much time to exercise, with school and homework bogging me down.

But one strategy that has gotten my interest is pooping.

Did you all know pooping looses belly fat? Not just like diarrhea, I’m talking normal pooping.

And you know, this is really helpful.

Because, honestly, I’m not even that fat. It’s just that my belly sticks out so much. It’s all just belly fat.

So I searched up some foods to promote pooping.

So that should be loads of fun 😉

To-Do list for the next few days:

Poop, poop, poop!

My Latest Genius Joke

“YOOO!!! GUESS WHO IS THE LATEST BADDEST BITCH OF THE BLOCK, THE GHETTO GIRL, THE RATCHET ROLLER?!??”

Haha, definitely not me.

But that’s the topic of the picture I will be uploading on facebook.

And it will be of me in a black hoodie, bright pink lipstick, big black hoop earrings, hair curly and up, eyeliner, and my pose will be of me with my hip stuck out and an exaggerated, (and believe me when I say exaggerated) duck face.

And lips all out and puffed and slimy looking a duck with an overgrown beak.

Oh yeah. I think my lips actually got cramped during the few seconds needed to take the picture.

And you know what my captions going to be.

“Holllaaa!! Am I cool now? Or is the preferred term, ‘ratchet'”.

It’s going to be so perfect because all the smart people will understand and laugh their buttocks off.

A picture mocking all the silly girls in our school who think it is cool or cute to be loud, obnoxious, rude, and pose like a prostitute who just waded out of a duck pond?

I think, “yes.”

And I cannot wait to all the likes blow up.

I can just see it.

Beautiful.

And hilarious.

Naked In The Shower When Everything Goes Dark

After an afternoon in the city, I finally come home and claim the bathroom to myself.

I peel off my clothes and get the water running.

When the water is just right, I step in.

And the light goes out.

It’s a scene straight out of a horror movie, don’t you think?

I turn off the water and grab my towel, bracing myself for the scary monster about to pull back the curtain with an evil grin and a shiny knife in his hand.. when there’s a soft knock on my door.

Well crap, I’m pretty sure anyone at that point would be ready to pee their pants if they were in my place.

Then again, I wasn’t wearing any pants.

“Your dad turned off the light switch for something, just finish showering,” I hear my mom tell me through the door.

My dad. Who was putting in a new light bulb in the basement and needed to turn off the light switch to do it. Who had the most perfect timing of course.

“Okay,” I call out to my mom. I blink and wait as my eyes adjust to the dark.

Well what was I supposed to do?

What I did was feel for all my body parts and thought, “Well, if anyone should know my body, it should be me. I think I can do this without the light.”

So I continued with my shower.

And I expected the light to come back on half through my shower or something.

It didn’t.

Which was fine.

And the second I was done with my shower, the second I reached over and turned off the water, that was the second that the light came on.

Again Dad, perfect timing.

So I learned a very useful skill today: Showering in the dark.

What A Platypus Smells Like

Someone challenged me to write a post wondering what a platypus smells like.

Well, from personal experience, I really don’t know. Because as much of no-lifer I am, I don’t have a hobby that consists of hunting in the wild for a platypus, just to grab it by the tail and get a good whiff.

But apparently some people do. Because when I searched it up on Google (the world’s greatest resources if you ever need to know anything), they actually had some sort of an idea. So here’s what I got:

Platypuses do not smell bad. They smell like an animal that lives in burows and hunts for food in water.

Huh. Well, I don’t actually know what that kind of animal smells like, but maybe that’s no big deal.

After all, what will I do with the knowledge of what a platypus smells like?

Chacha tells me: There are no reports available online regarding the odor of platypuses, but they do produce a venom that is deadly to small animals like dogs!

So now they’re evil. Huh. Somehow I never got that vibe from Perry the platypus from Phineas and Ferb (remember that guy? LOVED him.)

Speaking of Perry, how the hell was he so damn pretty??

I mean every other platypus in the world just looks like

Which is all cute and all, but I mean Perry had this beautiful blue-ish color to him, y’know?

No platypus actually looks like this and no platypus is as cool as Secret Agent Perry the Platypus.

-cue singing of word Perry!-

Okay so, maybe I’m a little too old to like Phineas and Ferb, right?

WRONG!!

I AM AS COOL AS AGENT PERRY THEREFORE I CAN LIKE PHINEAS AND FERB IF I WANT!

P.S. Speaking of Phineas and Ferb, what the hell is up with them?

I mean, they have summer vacation all day everyday and we need to go back to school every September?

What up with that?!

So not cool.

Anyways, this post has obviously been a complete waste of your time.

Ah wells, I don’t really care.

It all started with what a platypus smells like.

So remember, if you truly would like to know, go to Google. And then, when you realize Google can’t give you the exact smell, go out into the wild, hunt down a platypus, grab it by the tail, bring it real close to your face, and just take a good whiff.

That should do it.

Meanwhile, did you know platypus mothers breastfeed their babies yet they don’t have nipples?

Yeah, they just sweat out their milk and their babies lick all over the mothers body.

Cool huh